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FEAR of A White Dress! (Women and Marriage) UPDATE!!

So I was watching the BET awards over the weekend and I noticed an alarming trend. All these beautiful, strong, talented, gifted, and smart…single moms, unmarried women having children. My mother-in-law said that in this day and age, there is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy. How is it that we (and our young girls), respect and look up to the likes of Alicia Keys? If you saw the headline, Pop Star Sleeps With Newly Divorced Man And Gets Pregnant! What would your response be to that? Where are the women that liked getting swept off their feet and invest in marriage before they have babies!? Now, I’m not judging Alicia Keys’ actions; she is an adult and a human being, which makes her not perfect by any means, but this is just how I view the situation. And it sparks the question: Are Black Women more fearful of marriage and commitment than Black men?

UPDATE!! UPDATE!! UPDATE!!

Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats announced late Tuesday evening that they’re engaged, and that the Grammy-winning singer is expecting the couple’s first child together.

The news might have been a surprise to some: Keys is an R&B/pop superstar who has performed at President Barack Obama’s inauguration, while Swizz (real name: Kasseem Dean) is a Ruff Ryders alumnus and a veteran hip-hop producer who’s laced Jay-Z and DMX with some of their grittiest tracks.

But the musical couple have been dating for a couple of years, at least since 2008, when rumors of their union began to swirl — and recently whispers about the two ratcheted up when photos of Keys with what appeared to be a baby bump appeared online.

Here’s a timeline of the couple’s relationship:

» In 2008, music-industry insiders began buzzing about a pairing between Swizz — then married to R&B chanteuse Mashonda — and Keys, but the speculation turned public when gossip blog TheYBF.com published a post detailing their union, citing a source close to the singer.

» Later in 2008, Alicia Keys threw a surprise birthday party for the art-collecting producer (who by then was separated from his wife) at New York’s Guggenheim Museum. Although they wouldn’t appear in public together until the following year, the shindig solidified that the two were an item.

» In 2009, Swizz Beatz all but confirmed his relationship with Keys through a remix verse he added to Drake’s hit, “Best I Ever Had,” rapping, “She gave me a party at the Guggenheim … What’s next? The ring? The baby? She really loves me.”

» Throughout the year, Keys and Swizz (engaged in a messy divorce from Mashonda, including public spat on Twitter) were spotted together at a bevy of events, including his pre-Grammy Awards event, game three of World Series (where she performed alongside Jay-Z), and a swank Whitney Houston album preview event; the musical pair worked together to produce the Houston single “Million Dollar Bill.”

» This year, the duo have been frequently photographed together, both domestically and abroad; pics of Keys performing across the Atlantic caused a stir online as the singer’s loose-fitting clothing led many to believe she was hiding a baby bump.

» On Thursday, a spokesperson for the couple confirmed that they were engaged and are expecting their first child together. The baby will be her first and his third: The producer has two other children from previous relationships.

What do you think about Swizz Beats and Alicia Keys’ relationship? Let us know in the comments!

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Interests vs. Enhancements (Part I)

With so many people, places and things vying for our attention, we’ve got to make calculated choices.  “How should I spend my time and energy?”… “To whom should I give the gift of my attention?”…  Over the next couple of months we are going to tackle how to answer questions like these. It all comes down to what I call Interest vs. Enhancement.  There is a distinction between the two and you’ll need know the difference if you are going to sustain any level of success.  Interests can arouse your curiosity, but enhancements (be they people, places or things) raise your value and effectiveness.  Each of us must come to grips with this one reality – Not everything that interests us will enhance us.  One of the best ways to get a handle on what interest you as a pose to what will enhance you, is to conduct a thorough interview of your interests.

Here are a few things to consider during your “interest interview” process:

1) An interest is only worth pursuing if it adds value to the people and work you cherish most.  If you are having trouble identifying what you value most, take a look at what you do with your time. Make a list if all of the activities you engage in, I mean all of them! This list will tell you where and with whom you currently place the most value. If you are not pleased with any particular item on that list, it’s a clear indication that the item is an interest which depletes rather than adds to your life.

2) If you find you are indifferent with the items on the list, it is likely you have hit a “value wall”.  Value walls form from having too many interests and not enough focus. You’ll need to eliminate some of the busy items from your life and limit your focus to one or two areas. Then engage those one or two interests long enough to discover whether or not they are worth sticking to. If they are, refine them, if they are not, delete them! The more you scatter your time and energy, the longer it will take to discover what you value most and the less effective you’ll be in life.

3) Interests are only as good as the role they’ll have in  raising your family, reviving your relationships, replenishing your work, or regenerating your mind, will and emotions.  Any interest you partake in that does neither of these things will make you an easy target for depression, resentment and feelings of hopelessness.  In addition, they will fossilize the gifts and talents you posses because you have not created an environment conducive to maximizing what you have the potential to be great at being and doing.

It doesn’t take long to conduct a thorough interview of your interests. Doing so will help you regain the perspective you need to live a full and purposeful life, in a world full of sometimes disastrous options.  After all, time is precious and it’s best you make any interest you have count for more than the moment.

-Mr.CEO

(via The Great Defender of www.takecareandlive.com)

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I Wish I Were….

When we are young, and even today we think “Damn I cannot wait until I’m (insert age here).” Often times we look towards an age because supposedly everyone is more mature and the high school drama would be a mere memory. We hope to grow more mature and NOT throw tantrums or NOT lose money or to NOT be told what to do from a family member because you are old enough to make such decisions. We also look up to this age to gain things whether material or not. One thing, however, that is ALWAYS over looked is: although we cannot wait to be “(insert age here)” we first have to be every other age before that. Age is like an onion, just because you are the outer layer, doesn’t mean the other layers underneath aren’t there for you to learn from. As for me today I’m 19 but I am also 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 and 1.

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The Dating Game Pt. II

Far too often in my conversations with single Black men, the term “gold digger” comes up. It bugs me, because not many of the sistas I know would fall under that category. I asked my single  men friends where they are meeting these women with this attitude, and the answer is always the same: these aren’t chicks from the club, but professional, educated women. Nonetheless, the idea that they are trying to stick men for their paper is a real fear.

Of course, Kanye’s lyrics come to mind.  I’m not saying she’s a gold digger/ but she ain’t messing with no broke n*gga. True enough, none of my single sister friends are in the market for a man with no money, no job, no ambition and heavy debt. But neither are my male friends. All of them express wanting a women who is independent and financially sound so that she doesn’t depend on them to pay for everything.

I can’t help but single out what I call the Hype Williams Video Movement of the late 90’s and early new millennium as shouldering some of the responsibility for this characterization of Black women. Those videos (i.e. Jigga’s Big Pimpin, Q-Tip’s Breathe & Stop, Ja Rule’s Holla Holla and this list goes on) showcase women of color in droves, half-naked, greased up, popping champagne bottles around men flashing money, cars and jewelry. Now, we are way past truly blaming music videos for all of our drama – after all, Hype’s videography contains much more than these types of videos AND the sistas who participated are definitely responsible for the overall outcome. But I can’t help but wonder if these images are having a residual effect on how Black men and women are relating to each other today.

I have to depend on the experiences of my single loved ones to inform me, as I’ve been in the same relationship for the last ten years. When my hubby and I decided to commit to one another, neither of us came into it with much, but decided to build up our wealth together. Do folks do this anymore?

When I think back on our courtship and how finances came into play, I know what we both focused on was what we had in common in regards to financial goals and how we would go about reaching them. We often spent time doing things that didn’t cost money, and it wasn’t an issue taking turns to pay for things if one of us had low funds.

People, talk to me: Women, are you only checking for suitors with large bank accounts? Men, are women asking for your bank statements on the first date? Sistas, are you down to work with a man who has a plan, but needs time to get it together? And how much time are you willing to put in? Brothas, is it old-fashioned to expect you to be the breadwinner in the relationship? Or are you expecting the woman to pay for some of these dates?

What is a strong relationship based on these days, in any race/culture? Talk to me!

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Aaron McGruder Vs. Tyler Perry

If you missed it, this past Sunday’s episode of Boondocks took a major stab at media mogul Tyler Perry. The episode reminded me of a Facebook conversation I had with a friend a few months back when I asserted that Perry was a gay man. Her surprised reaction led me to add, “Of course, I don’t know this personally, but that’s what I’ve heard”. In that moment, I had validated a rumor about the man, though I don’t know him at all – but I’m not the first.

In spite of his massive success as a playwright, producer, filmmaker, etc (the list is extensive), Tyler Perry has been a controversial character in the community. He undoubtedly has a built-in audience for his artistic creations, based on the success of his religious-tinted Madea stage plays, a medium several Black men have found to be an avenue of success. (Y’all remember Shelly Garrett and Beauty Shop Parts I -VI?) But rumours of his alleged homosexuality, his formulaic and often predictable story lines, and his sometimes questionable characterization of Black people leaves many viewers on the fence about the man and his work. Even Spike Lee had to speak on it.

But I wonder – is this “crab in the barrel” syndrome that causes many of us to critique Tyler instead of just embracing his work, no matter what it is? Tyler seems to think so. After all, the man is the Black American dream – tall, handsome, articulate and successful. His business savvy has provided him with the sort of autonomy most folks in Hollywood can only dream of, and has allowed him to rub elbows with the elite of the industry (i.e chartering a jet to go check on his homegirl Oprah after she’s complained of having a hard day).

Let’s consider some of the points McGruder brings up in the episode: Perry’s use of cross-dressing in spite of his story lines having a Christian undertone; his grand presence in theatre, film, and television; and his alleged homosexuality. Dave Chappelle discussed the issue of cross-dressing and the black male comedian, and how too often black male comedians are asked to wear dresses in their performances, and how he flat out refused to do it because he saw the pattern. Perhaps, like many, Perry did not notice the pattern – and if he did, saw it as a successful method for storytelling since it has been repeated. Can’t fault him for that without criticizing Flip Wilson, Richard Pryor, Robin Harris, and Eddie Murphy, amongst many others. It would seem that the bulk of his fan base is primarily comprised of members of Black churches; the irony here is that the Black church historically has been homophobic, but somehow Perry’s cross-dressing slips under the radar.

His dominance in the industry – well, who wouldn’t want that kind of power in that business? If anything, Perry is creating a template to be admired and followed, not frowned upon. And homosexuality? Unless you have slept with the man personally, there’s not much to be said about what happens behind closed doors. Maybe McGruder knows something the rest of us don’t.

If there is any issue this writer has with Perry, it would be the formulaic, simple storytelling, and his often silly, immature characterization of Black men. We are too complex a people for the stories to be so easily predictable, and furthermore, the immature Black man is a stereotype that we need not feed into. If anything, Perry should consider hiring new writers with a different perspective from his own to diversify his filmography. On that note, TP, you know where to find me.

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You too, are destined for GREATNESS!

For those of us (like myself), going through the day-to-day exercise of wake up, work, sleep, repeat, I’d like to say…STOP IT! Trust me, I’m yelling at myself as well. We all have the following key characteristics inside of us: we are all inspired to want to be great, desire to be noticed, and have the strength to fight for what belongs to us. I guess the question is how? How do I get it out so I can rise to a level of greatness? I, too, am still searching for that answer. And by searching I don’t mean sitting in front of the TV or computer wishing to be like the people I see. By search, I mean to continually progress, whether it be through religion, education, small business ventures, or just volunteering your time to help those less fortunate. Also, staying positive, giving thanks for what I do have, and not complaining about what I don’t.  Lost your home, unemployed, have a baby on the way? Trust me, you are not alone on that boat, and it’s NOT sinking! Maybe a few words of wisdom from a friendly, familiar face might help ignite the fire of greatness inside of you.

Don’t just have a nice day, make it a great day, everyday!

Mr.CEO

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The Dating Game – Pt. I

I had a conversation with a friend of mine, a single man, about his single status and what challenges he faces with dating. He lives in New York, and I wondered whether his experience mirrored what I’ve been hearing here in Los Angeles. His primary concern is wanting to make sure whatever woman he’s with does not “dig for gold” and supports his 24 hour/7 days a week work ethic. I asked if he had ever come across a woman to fit his criteria. He replied, “I’ve had many good women that I’ve let go. In the back of my mind I always feel I can find someone even better.” I asked him why -why risk letting a good one go? He replied, “That’s how I was raised. Moms told me to run through as many chicks as possible.”

I had to think on this now that I have the opportunity to raise a young man of my own. As a single woman, I would hear these stories about mother’s advice to their sons and it would frustrate me. I couldn’t understand how a woman, who had previously been on the other side of things, could advice her son to run through women. Now, as a mother, I understand that perspective so much more. Part of it is a desire to protect the son from the wrong women (according to mom) coming at him aggressively and getting him caught up in a marriage or creating a child he isn’t ready for. Another part of it is the fear of knowing one day the son will grow up, and commit his life to a woman other than his mother. As a mom, you want that other woman to be someone you like, get along with, and who won’t try to separate you and your child.

Where does this protectiveness come from? Is it natural instinct? Is it a Black issue or does it affect mothers and sons of all races?

Earlier this month, an article was posted on Essence.com asking the question, “Do Black Women Raise Their Daughters And Love Their Sons?” For many generations, the idea of Black mothers favoring sons over daughters has been discussed, and seen as an exercise within our community. To understand whether or not this is an issue that pertains solely to Black people, I decided to scan the text of the infamous Let’s Make A Slave by Willie Lynch.

The section of the letter that discusses marriage amongst slaves advocates for slave owners to breed black males and females and then take the males away and allow the females to raise the babies from these unions alone. Lynch states, “Without the influence of the male image, the female will be frozen with an independant psychology…[the male] will be raised mentally dependant and weak, but physically strong…in other words, body over mind”. This claim made me think about my own upbringing and how the desire and need to be indepedent was taught to me very early by my mother who was a single parent for half of my life. I wondered if within a two-parent household, did the same atmosphere exist? And if so, are many Black men taught to be dependent on their mothers and therefore struggle with creating an emotional bond with other women?

Brothers, please speak on this topic – and know it’s not a judgement but a question. Let’s talk about this so we can begin to understand one another!

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The Boondocks’ LaMilton Taeshawn Part II

I had to go back to the drawing board on this situation. My initial instinct was to have a WTF reaction – not at The Boondocks’ spoof of the Latarian Milton – but at the boy himself.  After all how many 7-year old children have the absolute nerve to steal grandma’s car and go on an under-age driving rampage AND not be publicly reprimanded by somebody? Not many.

But I realized that within my reaction came a criticism – about my people, this child, and ultimately myself as a parent. Too often I find Black folks blasted in the media for ignorant behavior, and instead of pointing another finger, I want to understand why THIS boy is getting so much face time. Is it because a 7-year old stealing a car is truly something out of this world? Or does Latarian represent something greater? Instead of using Latarian as an example of why and where we must improve as a people, let’s ask ourselves what is it about this boy that makes him commodifiable. After all, if he’s getting face time on TV, he’s getting paid. To dissect this, I must reorient how you view his video footage, so here goes.

First, here is the real news story that introduced us to Latarian Milton in April of 2008:

The first thing that struck me about this video is Latarian’s honesty. From this brief interview we learn there is an issue with mom, grandma is raising him, and there is no mention of Latarian’s father.  Keep all of these factors in mind and keep watching.

Two weeks later:

How did the news find out about this? Did Walmart call the police or is the media stalking Latarian Milton?

Here is another interview with Latarian in June of 2008. Notice his tone and body language, and really listen to what the cop says at the end:

By now Laterian is tired of explaining why he took grandma’s car. It’s such an obvious cry for attention that it doesn’t warrant repeating. Notice how the reporter plays up Latarian’s disregard for the people who he could have hurt that day and how that leads into the cops’  admission of  pressing charges to “get him into the system” because “obviously this is unusual behavior for a 7-year old” and little Latarian needs to be evaluated and treated. I’m wondering, what is Latarian’s fate if at 7 he already has a record and is being labeled as a danger to society?

Flash-forward to an interview done two months later:

Now, Latarian stays in the news, but this time it’s because he’s about to make his Hollywood debut. Are Judge Judy’s ratings that low these days? Notice how the reporter mentions the show’s producers encouraging grandma, Latarian, and the phantom mom to participate. How much of that encouragement do you think came with pictures of dead presidents on it? But again, what is the point of all this? Why? To help Latarian “get a new life, and move on” as he desires? I’m frustrated with grandma because she let those dollar signs speak to her – her smile says it all.

This year, Latarian was launched onto Comedy Central. (Couldn’t embed the link thanks to copyright, but PLEASE click on Comedy Central!)

I’m all in for a good laugh, but really what is the point of this 7-year old boy teaching this grown white man how to do hoodrat stuff? What does that even mean? And when Latarian really does grow up and tries to make a name for himself, will he be able to come out from under the “hoodrat” umbrella? Or do we already believe and accept that this child is not capable of being anything other than just that?

Thankfully Aaron McGruder and the Boondocks team saw something in Latarian, and more importantly in the media representation of Latarian, worth commenting on:

I can get behind what I believe McGruder’s intent is here. It’s pretty ludicrous to mislabel a child as a sociopath when the child is clearly begging for attention, but by doing so you write the child’s future for them. Through one really awful and childish mistake, Latarian spent his 15 minutes as the “hoodrat” representative. His real mistake – stealing the car – seems so small in comparison to him teaching Tosh.0 how to really be a hoodrat two years later. And as for grandma participating in that sketch? No disrespect to the elder, but she could take a lesson from Boondocks’ Grandpa and not spare the rod.

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A Fight at the Beach

I recently turned 19 and in celebration I had a bonfire at Dockweiler beach. About 15 of my closest friends came to celebrate and of course I was joined by a portion of my large family. My little cousins (the oldest being 7 and the youngest 2), my older cousins, aunt, uncle, and even my grandmother attended. Needless to say we were enjoying ourselves in celebration of my 19 years alive and healthy.

My mom’s side of the family is from Belize and my dad’s side is from Mississippi. My family doesn’t play into the stereotypes that exist about black families:  we don’t drinks, gang bang, fight, or smoke. With this being said of course we were completely caught off guard when we heard yelling and screaming while we were playing in the sand. When I turned around I immediately covered my mouth in awe because the sight was heart breaking. There it was a young black male and a young Latino FIGHTING in the middle of the beach. I was stunned! As I watched it felt like my family was fighting each other.

As Blacks and Latinos we are both offered the short end of the stick in America and the last thing we need to do is fight each other. We should work together to be offered the same end of the stick that other people are offered. Black is working together for a common goal. Black is setting a positive remodel for kids to look up to. Black is NOT senseless fighting and unnecessary embarrassment.