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The Dating Game Pt. II

Far too often in my conversations with single Black men, the term “gold digger” comes up. It bugs me, because not many of the sistas I know would fall under that category. I asked my single  men friends where they are meeting these women with this attitude, and the answer is always the same: these aren’t chicks from the club, but professional, educated women. Nonetheless, the idea that they are trying to stick men for their paper is a real fear.

Of course, Kanye’s lyrics come to mind.  I’m not saying she’s a gold digger/ but she ain’t messing with no broke n*gga. True enough, none of my single sister friends are in the market for a man with no money, no job, no ambition and heavy debt. But neither are my male friends. All of them express wanting a women who is independent and financially sound so that she doesn’t depend on them to pay for everything.

I can’t help but single out what I call the Hype Williams Video Movement of the late 90’s and early new millennium as shouldering some of the responsibility for this characterization of Black women. Those videos (i.e. Jigga’s Big Pimpin, Q-Tip’s Breathe & Stop, Ja Rule’s Holla Holla and this list goes on) showcase women of color in droves, half-naked, greased up, popping champagne bottles around men flashing money, cars and jewelry. Now, we are way past truly blaming music videos for all of our drama – after all, Hype’s videography contains much more than these types of videos AND the sistas who participated are definitely responsible for the overall outcome. But I can’t help but wonder if these images are having a residual effect on how Black men and women are relating to each other today.

I have to depend on the experiences of my single loved ones to inform me, as I’ve been in the same relationship for the last ten years. When my hubby and I decided to commit to one another, neither of us came into it with much, but decided to build up our wealth together. Do folks do this anymore?

When I think back on our courtship and how finances came into play, I know what we both focused on was what we had in common in regards to financial goals and how we would go about reaching them. We often spent time doing things that didn’t cost money, and it wasn’t an issue taking turns to pay for things if one of us had low funds.

People, talk to me: Women, are you only checking for suitors with large bank accounts? Men, are women asking for your bank statements on the first date? Sistas, are you down to work with a man who has a plan, but needs time to get it together? And how much time are you willing to put in? Brothas, is it old-fashioned to expect you to be the breadwinner in the relationship? Or are you expecting the woman to pay for some of these dates?

What is a strong relationship based on these days, in any race/culture? Talk to me!

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Black Is… Me

I recently finished college and I’m told this is where my life begins. I have the world at my fingertips and can do whatever I put my mind to… I agree with this cliché statement to a degree but as a young Black woman in America, I know better. My “life” began a long time ago– I would say at the age of three. I became a big sister and my mother became a single parent. I had to grow up very quickly. My younger brother became my responsibility when our mom wasn’t at home. I didn’t complain. I understood my new role, and took it on proudly. My story is typical of many African Americans who grew up in single parent homes. I didn’t have time to dream big because I had to act quickly. When our mother was not home, I had to make parental decisions for my brother and I. I wouldn’t put that type of responsibility on any child but I can say that I am a better person for my experiences. Things never came easy for us but our mother never let us see her worry. To say that my life begins now is to throw away all the valuable life lessons of my childhood  and adolescence. These lessons got me where I am today so I refuse to do that. These experiences have helped me to deal with very difficult situations easily. I’ve learned how to “turn those lemons into lemonade” as the popular saying goes. As a people, we have been doing this since we involuntarily set foot on this land.

My story is one of many that make up the Black experience. Each of us handles what life deals us differently. What binds us is our history and culture. Our history is often sugarcoated and hidden. Our culture is often duplicated and seldom acknowledged. We continue to challenge stereotypes and even fall victim to them—but I digress. Black Is, the magazine, is a celebration of our experiences. It is a representation of the complexities that make up our daily lives. My hope is to bring the good, the bad and the ugly while posing questions to make you think and offering correctives to encourage action. What it means to be Black in America pertains to the individual. Black Is overcoming adversity and doubt in the face of struggle. Black Is determination and pride. Black Is beautiful. Black Is me.

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Let’s Keep the “Thug” Ball Rollin’ – Part II

Slim Thug recently participated in an interview with Vibe where he disclosed a bias he has towards black women. In this interview he states: “My girl is Black and White. I guess the half White in her is where she still cooks and do all the **** that I say, so we make it. She just takes care of me and I like that.” However despite this controversial comment he continues and manages to pick up the dirty laundry he threw on the floor by saying, “White women treat they man like a king and Black women feel like they ain’t gotta do that *****. Black women need to stand by their man more. Don’t always put the pressure of if I’m ******ing with you, you gotta buy me this and that. Black men are the ones that mother****ers need [but] I think a lot of them need to step it up too. A Black man who gets a little bread will go make it rain in the club and be broke the next day or instead of him going to invest in a business he gonna go buy new jewelry or a new car and still live in the hood. Black peoples’ mentality is real ****ed up in general [and] it’s affecting everything.”

On my first read, I couldn’t make out half of the argument because every other word was a curse word. He’s right: the world does NEED more black men however; we NEED black men with an extended vocabulary and proficient writing skills – in other words EDUCATED.

I am not here to degrade any ethnicity because that would be counterproductive; however I will say that certain people are born into wealth and therefore a job is not a requirement. Things mean a lot more to you once you have worked hard to get it and some people do not have to work at all to get what they are given in life. Also, black men and women need to start investing their money to gain wealth.  Everyone wants to be rich, however wealth is where the money really is.

It’s shocking and a shame that black men think like this and to be honest, I am grateful that Slim Thug did have the balls to call it like it WAS. We need to change this negative idea society has of black women being loud, nosy, rude, aggressive and, for lack of a better word, “ghetto.” However the image of black men needs to change too. We need to change the gang banging, baby daddy, no job having, high school dropout image. Black women are slowly progressing to change this image and we need a strong black man beside us. Why would we bend over backwards for someone who won’t make the effort to bend? If you think looking for a black man with an education and a stable job, who can afford to not support but spoil their girlfriend or wife is too much, then you have some soul searching to do. If you tend to attract gold diggers then you need to be extra careful about the company you keep and the decisions you make.

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Let’s Keep the “Thug” Ball Rollin’

Slim Thugs’ profound insight regarding what’s “wrong” with sistas initiated a conversation worth continuing. Basically sistas are too opinionated, independent , and self-righteous-shocker! Any woman of black descent who never heard that must not be from America. I’m certain sistas need to assume responsibility for their part, however they are not the problem in its entirety. So why are they often portrayed to have expectations that are too high as opposed to brothas having expectations that are too low?

If brothas choose women from other races because they’re more submissive, are sistas to blame for checking out on black love because they won’t play the submissive role? Or do brothas check out when they choose a submissive woman who aspires to do nothing more than cook, clean, and suck him raw? If brothas were really worried about preserving black love, wouldn’t they seek those successful and lonely sistas from the previous blog?  If black really is black love… no one knows a brothas struggle like a sista. Where there are commonalities there are souls intertwined. Sistas can cook, clean, care for children, carry on an intellectual conversation AND contribute financially. So what’s the problem?

Perhaps brothas expectations for themselves are so low they are incapable of sustaining a relationship with a powerful, ambitious, well-rounded renaissance sista of the 21st century. Maybe because they know if their ducks aren’t in a row an independent sista may walk away before a woman who is entirely dependent on her husband. So brothas seem to choose women who are more docile, dependent and low-maintenance who require nothing more than for you to change your Myspace status to “In a Relationship” and get her some followers on Twitter.

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Can Success Leave You Lonely? The Black Male Perspective

Can success leave you lonely?  That depends on what type of companionship you seek as a person.  From the male point of view, I don’t think a successful man will ever be too lonely due to the fact that being successful is a quality that attracts women.  It may not be the long-term relationship type of women, but there will be someone around.  Whether they are on that man’s level of success is not a big concern to most; as men we feel that we should be the breadwinner in most instances.  In my opinion, it’s not the accomplishments of men and women that separate us, but the ills of society that tend to brainwash us into believing that you need someone of equal status as your counterpart. There has never been an example of a man who is very successful not  reaching down and dealing with someone not on their  “level”. Now if the situation were reversed, there would be plenty of backlash for a successful woman taking on the burden of a man.

So what can be done from this point? I feel like everyone needs to do away with stereotypes, prejudice, and judge everyone one on a case-by-case basis.  Statistics show that black women make up 71% of all black graduates.  This statement is misleading since it implies that all black female graduates end up being successful in their careers.  This is also misleading because success can be attained without a college education.  The real issue is compatibility: people fail to sync themselves with someone who is their complement and not their competition.

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Ladies and Gents: How True Is This?

My cousin posted this status update on Facebook:

Women: One of the biggest mistakes a lot of you make early on in a relationship is laying out in full detail all the things you love a man to do for you. Instead of telling him about everything you like, tell him what you DON’T like, and then see how he responds; let him research/dig and figure out how to get to your sweet spot. Virtually any man can follow a road map, but only a dedicated one will find his own way.

Do you all agree? Disagree?

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Can Success Leave You Lonely?

Lorraine Hansberry said “The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely.” At the height of our success Hansberry’s statement seems to ring more true than ever, even though she was lesbian. A 2010 publication reports sistas make up 71 percent of black graduate students. Blogs, articles and studies highlight the phenomena. Sistas, as we achieve more success are we less likely to marry?

Before we can begin to answer the ultimate question, we have to take a few steps back to grasp the big picture. Is the data even correct? If so, what can be done to salvage black love?

Research can be biased so before I would even begin to examine the research methods and results, it would suffice to investigate who conducted such studies and what they were trying to prove. If the research is correct, who benefits and who suffers from such findings? Data can be skewed to suggest whatever it is the researchers intend for it to suggest. If you look at what such research does to the psyche, it may validate how many black women feel about being successful and lonely, as well as how they feel about their male counterparts. Such findings may leave black women feeling as if they should give up hope of finding a successful black mate, therefore hindering black progress.

Being somewhat of a conspiracy theorist, I believe it benefits certain groups if black women give up on black love – especially successful black women. If the data is correct, who is responsible for the demise of black families? Are black men to blame for their lack of success? Are black women to blame for becoming too successful? Or is the state of our unions the result of living in an oppressive society? I don’t believe any sole entity is responsible but rather a combination of many entities. To suggest men are to blame, or women, or society is what hinders our progress. The real issue is: what can be done from this point forward to improve the current state of of our relationships? After all, black is black love.

A friend of mine had a very interesting theory. He said sistas don’t give brothas enough time to get their business straight before they kick ’em to the curb. It seems to me he may be blaming women for his shortfalls. He’s in his early forties, barely has a job,  just got his car impounded and is in the middle of a divorce. Could it be that as a woman gains knowledge and raises her expectations, the less likely she is to settle for less?