Category: Love & Relationships

The idea of  “shacking” – which means to live together before getting married – was on the same level as cursing out one’s mama in my household. It was not the thing to do. My parents’ reasoning? The old adage, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”  But in this day and age shacking has its place in modern society, but not without guidelines.

Once upon a time a relationship timeline looked like this:  Courting—>Engagement—>Marriage—>Cohabitation, and sex didn’t happen prior to the exchange of wedding vows. In those days a woman’s ability to withhold sex from a man not only was an illustration of her chastity, but worked like an extended foreplay that aroused the man to the point of proposal. Marriage at that time also held a higher position in society – women did not marry by choice typically, they simply were not chosen to be someone’s wife. In our current society, marriage is seen more as an option as couples make the decision to commit without the rings and paperwork, and sex can happen as soon as a man and woman meet. Also, with our society becoming desensitized to sex, neither men nor women care to wait as long as they once did.

However, these new changes in modern couples’ thinking has both its pros and cons. Divorce and infidelity rates in relationships have skyrocketed and the amount of singles still hoping to attract a mate over the age of 35 has grown tremendously. With that said, one wonders where would shacking have its place in the midst of all this?

If arranged appropriately, the new millennium relationship timeline could look like this: Courting—>Engagement—>Cohabitation—>Marriage, with sex occurring when the couple decides they’re ready. Why does this arrangement work? Because couples can’t know everything about one another without living together, and shacking is a great way to see what you’re signing up for. During a courtship, both parties are on their best behavior, and are not always showcasing who they really are. Let’s face it: if you’re having company over to your place, you are going to show everything at its very best. But what happens when you’re in a bad or lazy mood? Also, you can’t know what expectations your mate will have of you until you’ve established a living routine with them. For example, your man might want a hot meal every night but you only cook occasionally. You might like to walk around the house naked most of the time. One of you could be an insomniac that doesn’t go to bed until the middle of the night. You all won’t discover these idiosyncrasies until after you’ve moved in with one another.

Shacking is a good way for a couple to gauge whether or not they can live together long-term, but not without setting some guidelines. Couples need to know where the relationship is going, and not use living together as an opportunity to “see” where things are going in the relationship. The latter can create a situation of mutual dependancy, but no progression within the relationship. Years will pass and the couple is still in the same place they were when they moved in together. Best case scenario? Move in together after the engagement and wedding plans are brewing. Get some time in living together before you make any deposits on wedding-related items. Know what you’re signing up for just in case you need to graciously pull out.

On the flip, many couples dive right into marriage and two years later are signing divorce papers. Had they given themselves a chance to see if they could live together prior to marriage, they could have saved a lot of time, money, and hurt feelings. Now shacking does NOT guarantee a perfect relationship or a perfect marriage because the unexpected happens – but for a couple with a solid foundation and a clear understanding of their committment, shacking up could be one step that leads in the direction of longevity in love.