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Money Don’t Matter Tonight, But It Will Tomorrow

I had a brief twitchat the other week with someone about why debt matters in dating. If I were single, debt would be one of those things on my list of “can’t do’s” in dating. Though it might seem shallow, what I do understand as a married person is how much debt can affect a couple’s ability to move forward. Student loans aside (they are so huge, so many people have them, and as such they affect one’s credit a bit differently) the amount of debt a person racks up says one thing about their ability to consume – how they manage their debt says entirely another.

Large amounts of debt essentially cripple one’s buying power and if I am looking to partner with someone and build a life, our ability to make certain purchases are without question. Too much debt means we can’t qualify for a home loan and have limited options in choosing the roof over our heads. Too much debt will affect how high our Annual Percentage Rate (APR) is on items we might choose to finance, such as cars, furniture, or even family vacations. Also, large amounts of debt means lots of bills, which cuts into our ability to save, invest, and eventually retire. Longstanding debt = longstanding work.

I don’t think I’m shallow in this regard – and I’m not alone. Singles in their 30’s and beyond tend to streamline the list of acceptable challenges in a relationship, and rarely do I hear of money not being an issue. I’ve been told if people didn’t approach dating like it was a search for marriage partner then debt wouldn’t carry so much weight. But dating by definition is an assessment of seeing whether or not another person is suited for you as an intimate partner or spouse. So why waste time?

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10 Signs Your Date Isn’t The One

By Bob Strauss (via Yahoo)

Despite what you’ve been taught in school, that small voice in the back of your mind isn’t necessarily your conscience — it may be the last fully functioning piece of your brain, desperately trying to tell you that the guy or gal you’ve been seeing isn’t even close to being your soul mate. As unwelcome as this conclusion is, isn’t it better to come to it by yourself rather than being lectured about it by an expert? No? Well, in that case, read on for a list of signs that it’s time to get back into the trenches and continue that trudge toward true love.

1. Your date is devoted to another. “On a regular basis, he spoke to his mother more than he did to me,” says Bethany from Minneapolis. “He talked to her every day, and then he would compare me to her. She has him on such a short leash that he hasn’t ever made a major decision without her!”

2. Your spending habits don’t match. “If she shops to make herself feel good, and he feels better when money is saved for the future, look out: irritation, frustration, and arguments can result,” says Rita Benasutti, Ph.D., a therapist in Boca Raton, FL. In other words: Get out now, while your credit-card balance is still manageable.

3. Your politics are too different. Although there are some famous liberal/conservative couples out there, “If you have opposite ideologies, it’s usually a deal-breaker,” says John Seeley, author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. So, “if you find yourself saying things like ‘I can’t believe you voted for him’ or ‘I can’t even kiss someone who likes that person,’” it’s time to move on.

4. Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes. Take it from me: If that obscure Monty Python reference provokes polite but uncomprehending giggles on a first date, it’ll be met with frosty silence six months down the road. The same formula applies if she thinks Garrison Keillor is hilarious, but you’re more like Homer Simpson banging on the TV set and shouting, “Be more funny!”

5. Your love interest isn’t ready. “I met someone over a year ago, and we really hit it off,” says Michele from Atlanta. “He would call me from work daily, saying that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. But the closer we got, the more he started to pull back. Finally, I threw in the towel, realizing that even though we were compatible in many ways, he was not emotionally ready for a relationship.”

6. Your honey wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa). “Often, a person is so happy to find The One that he or she assumes love, marriage and having children go together, but for the other person, being a twosome and being in love is enough,” says Dr. Benasutti. “It’s a good idea to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your potential mate to understand his or her perspective.”

7. Your tastes are too different. “The number-one reason for failed relationships is what I call ‘refinement incompatibility,’” says Zannah Hackett, author of The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking. “Some of us are content to go camping, while others can’t survive outside a Ritz-Carlton hotel room. Some things are negotiable, but refinement incompatibility is not one of them, no matter how magnetically attracted you are to each other.”

8. Your lifestyles clash. If you’re a corporate executive pulling in six figures a year, you’ve probably figured out by now whether you can tolerate a guy or gal who earns an order of magnitude less in terms of salary. No harm, no foul: ending things now is better than leading someone along (or unexpectedly sticking your date with the tab at that expensive restaurant).

9. Your first connection fizzles. “When we first met, the chemistry wasn’t there,” says Lauren from New York, speaking of a relationship she had high hopes for… at first. “Sometimes that attraction develops as you get to know a person and sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s very different from instantly having that sizzle of chemistry when your date glances at you for the very first time.”

10. Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”

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Fantasy Men vs. Real Men

Many sisters could agree that their fantasy man would be something like a man with a body like LL Cool J and a smile like Tyrese. He’d be sexy like Idris Elba and talented like Jamie Foxx. He’d be articulate like Michael Eric Dyson and wise like Harry Belafonte. He’d have swagger, paper, and business smarts like Jay Z. He’d have a voice like Luther and keep you laughing like funny man Chris Rock. He’d be an innovator like Spike Lee. He’d have thug appeal like Allen Iverson and sensitive as Usher.  He’d be smooth like TI and write you a rap song that pledges, “You can have whatever you like”.  He’d be a powerful leader like our newly elected president Barack Obama. Yes, all of this wrapped into one would be a fantasy man. This man would have you smiling from the inside out.  You’d sport him around your family and friends with great pride.  Just thinking about a man likes this brings a smile to my face. Then as I allow the fantasy to disappear and I begin to take a look at reality I realize that I don’t desire a fantasy man.  My wants and needs from a man don’t at all mirror the qualities of my fantasy man.

While many of us drool at the thought of the “fantasy man” described above, I believe that many of us want something a whole lot simpler.  This man that we all want I will refer to as a Real Man. The real man is far more desirable than the fantasy man. The fantasy man is just that…. Fantasy. So let me speak truthfully and hope that these words reach the eyes of a man who has ever asked the question “What do women want?”. Perhaps this can even help that brother who is struggling with understanding what women mean when they say, “ I want a Real Man”.

First off, a real man doesn’t allow his fear of the truth to prevent him from being truthful. He speaks the truth even if he knows that speaking the truth will put him in hot water or make him uncomfortable. He is less concerned with the consequences of being truthful and more concerned with being a man of his word. His word is his bond. He realizes that he is a man and he has no reason to lie to anyone about anything.  He values honesty. Therefore he gives it, expects it, and encourages it.

Second , a real man is wise and continuously seeks knowledge. He frowns upon not being educated.  This doesn’t mean he is a Harvard graduate and it doesn’t mean he has a collection of degrees hanging on his wall. Instead, it means he has little tolerance for ignorance and would never find comfort in being ignorant. When he is unaware he goes to those who are wiser than he and seeks answers to the unknown. He isn’t afraid to say “ I don’t know” and he would never say,  “I know everything”.

A real man is a natural leader. There is something about him that makes his woman want to follow his lead.  He makes his own decisions and follows behind no one. His ability to lead allows him to be the head of his household without a saying a word. He doesn’t have to say, “I’m the man of this house”. His woman knows that he is the head of the household without ever hearing him speak. She humbly surrenders to his lead when he is a real man of leadership.

A real man takes care of his babies. He will help raise them. He teaches them right from wrong and showers them with love. His babies look at him and smile. They crave his attention and affection. They call him Daddy and he is the most important man in their lives. His son will want to be like him. His daughter will want to fall in love with a man like him.  He protects his babies at all costs. He tells his children that he loves them. A real man never disrespects his children’s mother even if he has little respect for her.

A real man is sexy even with his clothes on. A woman’s attraction to him goes far beyond his physical appearance.  He doesn’t work at being “sexy”. His sexiness is just natural.  He can arouse a woman without ever touching her. His masculinity is what arouses his woman. His ability to take charge is what turns women on.  Being a man of great strength, integrity, and wisdom is what makes him sexy as hell. His skills in the bedroom are just the icing on the cake (Holla!!!!!).

Finally,  a real man is a man who prays and isn’t afraid to say that he prays. He believes in a higher a power. On his good days and his bad days he knows who reigns above all. This real man will introduce or reintroduce his woman to God. He will remind her where blessings come from. He may or may not go to church but he will definitely acknowledge his Creator.

So to all of my brothers out there who are in question about what women want, it’s quite simple. We want Real Men (not to be mistaken with men who say “I keep it real”.) Fantasy men are good if your eyes are closed and you’re fantasizing. However, in the real world, real women want real men who can really hold them down.

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SisterWives: How Many Of Us Are Them???

I have not seen the show, SisterWives but many of you are amazed by the polygamist household. I starting think to myself, “how many of us are sharing a man, know about it, and don’t care?” My suspicion is that in places like Los Angeles and Atlanta where the ration of women to men is grossly disproportionate “SisterWives” are prevalent.

What would make a woman knowingly share a man? Low self-esteem is a good guess. Maybe the excitement of knowing she is sneaking around with someone else’s man? Finances are probably a major factor. If both women know about each other and embrace the fact that they are sharing a man that is truly, a sad case. On some level I have to think it may have something to do with the lack of viable options particularly when you look at the African-American community.

Why are we all so memorized by the love of Will and Jada? How many of us actually believe that we too can have that? I do. The idea that a black man can love a black woman and vice versa is not the anomaly that it may seem to be. Unfortunately, there are many factors that have made that much more difficult for our community than other races but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

The media has been running stories about how the “educated” black woman is single and doomed to die an old maid because she has surpassed her male counter part in every area that is socially relevant. I’m not buying it. Yes, stats are stats. Yet, this is such a thing as projection. I am not going to allow the media to tell me that I am not going to have the life that 8 of 10 White women, 7 of 10 Hispanic and 6 of 10 Asian women have. No matter what the stats say, becoming a “SisterWife” is not up for discussion.

Mikki Bey is a Los Angeles-based makeup artist who believes in the power of the universe to bring her all the desires of her heart. Fearless, determined and capable – she’s a bad mamajama! She can be reached at mikki@mikkibey.com.

 

 

 

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We Check References

Don’t you wish your new love interest came with a reference? Wouldn’t it save you a ton of time trying to figure out what is wrong with them? People should at least provide the names and numbers of three previous partners so the new mate can see the odds of it ending in catastrophe.

What would my exes say about me? I don’t know; let’s ask them. I don’t keep in contact with these guys but I dug them up for the purpose of this illustration. I will give you a little background to put everything in context.  

Guy# 1: Met him in college on a weekend trip to visit one of my friends. We went on one date my senior year in college and it was….uneventful. Fast forward six years: Facebook reunites us and it was magic from the start. We got to know each other really well over the course of our long-distance relationship. The attraction physically and mentally was electric. But as quickly as it started is as quickly as it ended.

What Guy #1 has to say about me:

Makila is so determined that she made me feel uncomfortable.  So uncomfortable actually, that there were many times I wanted scream!  “Did you do this?”  “Did you call them?”  “Did you send your resume?”  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! I wanted to pull my hair out sometimes, but I’m so thankful.

She is the one who made me realize what I want, how to achieve it and now I have it.  I never had that chemistry with any other woman and despite the thousands of miles between us I was turned on in EVERY way.  She made me realize what I want in a woman.  Honestly before her I didn’t know what I wanted or how I wanted to be treated that’s why I strayed so often.  I found little bits in every woman and ran with it.  Then Makila comes along and gives me a glimpse of what it could or should be like but because of FEAR, and my lack of faith, it quickly came to an end.

Here is your reference men: Makila is beautiful, reliable, and will always make sure you arrive safely 😉
She is truly an amazing woman.
Quote: “Let’s always make each other uncomfortable” Makila Bey

Guy#2: I met him when I was 14. We were always cordial but never dated especially since he was going out with a girl that went to my high school. It came time for college and we went our separate ways. I graduated from Wayne State and moved to San Francisco two weeks after graduation. I got a Myspace message from this guy saying that he had always had a crush on me but never said anything to me about it. He was in New England getting ready for training camp with the Patriots when I told him I wasn’t interested and that he did not have a chance. He said. “You’re going to LOVE me by the end of this! Wait and see!” He was right. I fell extremely hard for this charismatic and fun guy. He courted me like I was Queen Sheba! What woman can resist? Not me. I went for it. But we know how the story ends when youth, money, fame and love collide…disaster.

What Guy #2 has to say about me:

Ms. Bey doesn’t shine she glows.


I have always been wordy but I will do my best to keep it short and sweet. I will start at the direct quote of “you’re going to Love me by the end of this! wait and see!” – it was very accurate but I just didn’t know I would fall for you in the same manner. Our relationship was definitely unusual but something special. You truly display what Alicia Keys speaks of in the song that’s “How Strong My Love Is” when it comes to relationships. I learned a french term a few years back that describes you, you had that certain je ne sais quois that always kept me drawn to you since we were teens. You are also very independent, highly motivated and refuse to settle for less than your expectations, so of course courting you like the queen of Sheba was easy as well as an enjoyable process. However you are a CHIEF (inside joke) will not back down and in certain situations you refuse to compromise. You are organized and goal driven so when things aren’t going according to schedule you press harder. I am sure you have learned a complete balance by now but with distance and a reaching a height in my life that I never dreamed of, I wasn’t ready to give you what you deserved. You are not side chick material. You are a WOMAN and I wasn’t ready to have a woman (the word play is crazy today) and was still in the process of learning to love myself.

Becoming a man is a continuous process and the most difficult part is learning to love yourself and truly love yourself. When you do learn to love yourself you learn to understand who you are and can separate yourself from what you do. You can learn to love others and see the delightful curiosities of the world should be just that – delightful curiosities and then you will recognize what you have in front of you.  You taught me that without words with your actions and because that, God, and my supportive family I have evolved into the successful man I am today. So with that being said I am truly grateful to you and if my fiancé knew that you were a product of who I am she would be grateful as well. Thank you and continue to glow.
I can honestly say I’m shocked at both assessments! It’s good to know that although I am not perfect, I did leave a lasting impression on those I cared about. What do I get from reading my references? I think on some level I chose men who I felt needed me in some way. I wanted to be helpful and supportive to their goals and dreams. While that is still true of me today, I can say that I comes from an entirely different place. Then, I thought “I have to make myself invaluable so that he will see he needs me.” It was out of fear that one day if I wasn’t “good” enough he would leave. Today, I’m not trying to up my womanly stock by being anything other than what I authentically am. I am helpful and supportive but I no longer feel that I choose men who “need” me to do/accomplish anything other than being there with them to enjoy our life’s journey.  

I learned a tremendous amount about myself from both relationships. I am thankful to both of the men that shared their views of me at different points in my maturation. My story is just beginning but I can’t wait to use what I have learned to make it the end.

Mikki Bey is a Los Angeles-based makeup artist who believes in the power of the universe to bring her all the desires of her heart. Fearless, determined and capable – she’s a bad mamajama! She can be reached at mikki@mikkibey.com.
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15 Minute Break: Black Women Speak!

Join KC and the ladies as they discuss the qualities that make a man marriage material, the images of black women in the media, and the relationship between men and their mothers. Podcast guests include Stacee Brewer, Tiffany Lanoix, Rayna Lott, Nikeita Crichlow, Joy May-Harris, Jamila Farwell, Toria Williams, and Sister T.

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Break Up Etiquette

There is a right and a wrong way to handle everything in life including breakups. I probably should hold off on writing this until the dust has settled on my own breakup but this is why I started blogging in the first place. My goal is to share my life experiences in the hopes that someone benefits for the things I write about.

I was just dumped via email. Yes, EMAIL!!!! The irony of the whole situation is that I almost dumped the guy not once but TWICE! Each time I was suckered back in by the hope of reformation. But this time it was me that was the dumpee because “our wants and needs” are not aligned.

Which brings me to the title of this article. Don’t feel badly for me. It happens to the best of us. Somewhere I know there are a legion of men jumping up and down for the folly of one of their fellow brethren. It wasn’t some long drawn out love affair. In fact it was a mere 45 days of my life, the shortest relationship to date. Nevertheless, it hurts and it feels quite awful to have been dumped via modern technology.

Without further ado let’s learn how to dump folks with class. Here is a list of what NOT to do:

  • EMAILS are ABSOLUTELY not an acceptable way to end a VERBAL contract with someone you are supposed to care about.
  • TEXTING is equally as offensive. The idea that a person past the age of 12 would use this form of communication is preposterous. Don’t do it!
  • Letters. I am not quite sure if people even write letters anymore but at any rate it’s a bad idea. I have an appreciation for the written word but this is not the time to display your eloquent way with words.
  • Sending a mutual friend to do your dirty work is extremely tacky. It puts the dumpee and the substitute dumper in awkward positions.
  • Over the phone. While this is the least offensive of all the above it is still not ideal. Chances are you didn’t start the relationship over the phone so why should you end it with a phone call? In some circumstances this may be the best way to go. If you are fearful of the reaction then using the phone is fine.

The bottom-line is to show the person that you once liked/loved that although you don’t wish to be in a relationship any longer that you still respect them enough to give them the news FACE to FACE. All other methods of ending a relationship are typically taken because the dumper wants it to be easiest on them. We can think of that as the cowards way out.

If you are going through a breakup the best advice I can give is to deal with your anger and then let it go! If you need to cry, cry. If yelling helps, do it! If you need to respond to the dumper, get it all off your chest and then go on with life. He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.

NEXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mikki Bey is a Los Angeles-based makeup artist who believes in the power of the Universe to bring her all the desires of her heart. Fearless, determined and capable – she’s a bad mamajama!

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15 Minute Break: Do Black Men and Women Still Like Each Other?

Listen in to a round table discussion as KC and the family attempt to unpack the question, “Do Black Men and Women Still Like Each Other?” Podcast guests include Chris Lehman, DJ A-ski, Toria Williams, Mike Eagle, Malcolm Darrell, Tash Moseley, Brother T, Jamila Farwell, and Darius Gray.

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Date Night

After six years of marriage and a baby, my husband and I try to maintain the ritual of a bi-weekly date night, but being Los Angeles residents had us going in circles for a second. It’s easy to get stuck in a routine of patronizing your favorite places in your hometown, and pretty soon date night loses its spark. However, in a city like Los Angeles with its many pocket neighborhoods, there is always someplace new to discover. Here are a few we would recommend any couple (and singles too) check out on their next night on the town:

Harvelle’s: Established in 1931, Harvelle’s is one of the oldest live music venues in Los Angeles. Located in the Santa Monica area, it’s a sexy spot, complete with red patent leather seating, smoky interior and cabaret dancers. Yes, you read that correctly. Check our Harvelle’s on a Sunday night and see The Toledo Show, a soul/jazz band so funky, you are sure to return for an encore performance.

Angel’s Piano Bar & Supper Club: Also located in Santa Monica, this quaint piano bar hosts much of Los Angeles’ local talent in the most intimate of venues. Catch Mark de Clive-Lowe with spectacular special guests every first Sunday for his “Church” function.

Gold Class Cinemas: A movie theatre with complimentary popcorn, drinks, and seat-side service? It doesn’t get much better than that. Located in the Old Town area of Pasadena, Gold Class Cinema takes your standard “dinner and a movie” date night to greater level.

First Fridays on Abbott Kinney: If you are a foodie, then First Fridays on Abbott Kinney in the Venice area of Los Angeles is the place to be. Check out the wares of the many food trucks parked along Abbott Kinney as well as the offerings of the artisans in the area.

DTLA Art Walk and Leimert Park Art Walk: Both of these events combine some of of the city’s best local artists, music, and food and create an ambience like no other in Los Angeles. These are true fusions of art and culture, and monthly events worth booking a sitter for.

What date night spots have you discovered lately? Let us know!