We Check References

Don’t you wish your new love interest came with a reference? Wouldn’t it save you a ton of time trying to figure out what is wrong with them? People should at least provide the names and numbers of three previous partners so the new mate can see the odds of it ending in catastrophe.

What would my exes say about me? I don’t know; let’s ask them. I don’t keep in contact with these guys but I dug them up for the purpose of this illustration. I will give you a little background to put everything in context.  

Guy# 1: Met him in college on a weekend trip to visit one of my friends. We went on one date my senior year in college and it was….uneventful. Fast forward six years: Facebook reunites us and it was magic from the start. We got to know each other really well over the course of our long-distance relationship. The attraction physically and mentally was electric. But as quickly as it started is as quickly as it ended.

What Guy #1 has to say about me:

Makila is so determined that she made me feel uncomfortable.  So uncomfortable actually, that there were many times I wanted scream!  “Did you do this?”  “Did you call them?”  “Did you send your resume?”  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! I wanted to pull my hair out sometimes, but I’m so thankful.

She is the one who made me realize what I want, how to achieve it and now I have it.  I never had that chemistry with any other woman and despite the thousands of miles between us I was turned on in EVERY way.  She made me realize what I want in a woman.  Honestly before her I didn’t know what I wanted or how I wanted to be treated that’s why I strayed so often.  I found little bits in every woman and ran with it.  Then Makila comes along and gives me a glimpse of what it could or should be like but because of FEAR, and my lack of faith, it quickly came to an end.

Here is your reference men: Makila is beautiful, reliable, and will always make sure you arrive safely 😉
She is truly an amazing woman.
Quote: “Let’s always make each other uncomfortable” Makila Bey

Guy#2: I met him when I was 14. We were always cordial but never dated especially since he was going out with a girl that went to my high school. It came time for college and we went our separate ways. I graduated from Wayne State and moved to San Francisco two weeks after graduation. I got a Myspace message from this guy saying that he had always had a crush on me but never said anything to me about it. He was in New England getting ready for training camp with the Patriots when I told him I wasn’t interested and that he did not have a chance. He said. “You’re going to LOVE me by the end of this! Wait and see!” He was right. I fell extremely hard for this charismatic and fun guy. He courted me like I was Queen Sheba! What woman can resist? Not me. I went for it. But we know how the story ends when youth, money, fame and love collide…disaster.

What Guy #2 has to say about me:

Ms. Bey doesn’t shine she glows.

I have always been wordy but I will do my best to keep it short and sweet. I will start at the direct quote of “you’re going to Love me by the end of this! wait and see!” – it was very accurate but I just didn’t know I would fall for you in the same manner. Our relationship was definitely unusual but something special. You truly display what Alicia Keys speaks of in the song that’s “How Strong My Love Is” when it comes to relationships. I learned a french term a few years back that describes you, you had that certain je ne sais quois that always kept me drawn to you since we were teens. You are also very independent, highly motivated and refuse to settle for less than your expectations, so of course courting you like the queen of Sheba was easy as well as an enjoyable process. However you are a CHIEF (inside joke) will not back down and in certain situations you refuse to compromise. You are organized and goal driven so when things aren’t going according to schedule you press harder. I am sure you have learned a complete balance by now but with distance and a reaching a height in my life that I never dreamed of, I wasn’t ready to give you what you deserved. You are not side chick material. You are a WOMAN and I wasn’t ready to have a woman (the word play is crazy today) and was still in the process of learning to love myself.

Becoming a man is a continuous process and the most difficult part is learning to love yourself and truly love yourself. When you do learn to love yourself you learn to understand who you are and can separate yourself from what you do. You can learn to love others and see the delightful curiosities of the world should be just that – delightful curiosities and then you will recognize what you have in front of you.  You taught me that without words with your actions and because that, God, and my supportive family I have evolved into the successful man I am today. So with that being said I am truly grateful to you and if my fiancé knew that you were a product of who I am she would be grateful as well. Thank you and continue to glow.
I can honestly say I’m shocked at both assessments! It’s good to know that although I am not perfect, I did leave a lasting impression on those I cared about. What do I get from reading my references? I think on some level I chose men who I felt needed me in some way. I wanted to be helpful and supportive to their goals and dreams. While that is still true of me today, I can say that I comes from an entirely different place. Then, I thought “I have to make myself invaluable so that he will see he needs me.” It was out of fear that one day if I wasn’t “good” enough he would leave. Today, I’m not trying to up my womanly stock by being anything other than what I authentically am. I am helpful and supportive but I no longer feel that I choose men who “need” me to do/accomplish anything other than being there with them to enjoy our life’s journey.  

I learned a tremendous amount about myself from both relationships. I am thankful to both of the men that shared their views of me at different points in my maturation. My story is just beginning but I can’t wait to use what I have learned to make it the end.

Mikki Bey is a Los Angeles-based makeup artist who believes in the power of the universe to bring her all the desires of her heart. Fearless, determined and capable – she’s a bad mamajama! She can be reached at mikki@mikkibey.com.