Dedicated to the Black Experience
Join KC and the ladies as they discuss the qualities that make a man marriage material, the images of black women in the media, and the relationship between men and their mothers. Podcast guests include Stacee Brewer, Tiffany Lanoix, Rayna Lott, Nikeita Crichlow, Joy May-Harris, Jamila Farwell, Toria Williams, and Sister T.
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Listen in to the first installment of Black Women Speak! Join KC and the ladies as they discuss the qualities that make a man marriage material. Podcast guests include Stacee Brewer, Tiffany Lanoix, Rayna Lott, Nikeita Crichlow, Joy May-Harris, Jamila Farwell, Toria Williams, and Sister T.
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Listen in to a roundtable discussion as KC and the family answer the question, “Are monogamy and marriage flying out the window?” Podcast guests include Tash Moseley, Toria Williams, Mike Eagle, Kwabena Haffar, Leisha Mack, and Dr. Wayne Byrd.
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Where does the hunger and yearning for monogamy come from? We have this social construction of monogamy that has been developing throughout the years thanks to movies, music, and books. That is, we as a society have developed an understanding of what is/isn’t and what should/shouldn’t be in relationships.
Why do we want monogamy? Why do we want to be committed to just one person? When we talk about marriage we’re talking about being with one person for the rest of your life. God forbid you marry in your twenties – with the average life expectancy being 78, that’s being committed to one person for 50 years! I have a hard enough time deciding on what cell phone I should purchase with a new two-year contract. During those two years I’ve committed to one phone, that is until I find one that’s better or seems better and eventually change before those two years are up. Maybe in life we settle because choosing a mate isn’t as easy as choosing a cell phone or two years, or maybe we just get tired of changing.
When we were little we were always taught to learn to share. Why can’t we learn to share in relationships? Have we learned to share so much that in a relationship with a significant other we don’t want to share?
I don’t have the answers nor do I have a particular stance on any of these questions. If you’re married, engaged, dating, single or widowed ask yourself: can you find the joy you have with your significant other with them and another?
I’m 19, I’m trying to find myself and my understanding in this dating world by asking this questions that challenge the norm. I want people to read this and think “Why did I get married? Why am I in this relationship? Why do I want a relationship?” Be honest with yourself and be honest in your comments. After all, Black Is is a comfortable place to learn, teach, and grow.
The idea of “shacking” – which means to live together before getting married – was on the same level as cursing out one’s mama in my household. It was not the thing to do. My parents’ reasoning? The old adage, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” But in this day and age shacking has its place in modern society, but not without guidelines.
Once upon a time a relationship timeline looked like this: Courting—>Engagement—>Marriage—>Cohabitation, and sex didn’t happen prior to the exchange of wedding vows. In those days a woman’s ability to withhold sex from a man not only was an illustration of her chastity, but worked like an extended foreplay that aroused the man to the point of proposal. Marriage at that time also held a higher position in society – women did not marry by choice typically, they simply were not chosen to be someone’s wife. In our current society, marriage is seen more as an option as couples make the decision to commit without the rings and paperwork, and sex can happen as soon as a man and woman meet. Also, with our society becoming desensitized to sex, neither men nor women care to wait as long as they once did.
However, these new changes in modern couples’ thinking has both its pros and cons. Divorce and infidelity rates in relationships have skyrocketed and the amount of singles still hoping to attract a mate over the age of 35 has grown tremendously. With that said, one wonders where would shacking have its place in the midst of all this?
If arranged appropriately, the new millennium relationship timeline could look like this: Courting—>Engagement—>Cohabitation—>Marriage, with sex occurring when the couple decides they’re ready. Why does this arrangement work? Because couples can’t know everything about one another without living together, and shacking is a great way to see what you’re signing up for. During a courtship, both parties are on their best behavior, and are not always showcasing who they really are. Let’s face it: if you’re having company over to your place, you are going to show everything at its very best. But what happens when you’re in a bad or lazy mood? Also, you can’t know what expectations your mate will have of you until you’ve established a living routine with them. For example, your man might want a hot meal every night but you only cook occasionally. You might like to walk around the house naked most of the time. One of you could be an insomniac that doesn’t go to bed until the middle of the night. You all won’t discover these idiosyncrasies until after you’ve moved in with one another.
Shacking is a good way for a couple to gauge whether or not they can live together long-term, but not without setting some guidelines. Couples need to know where the relationship is going, and not use living together as an opportunity to “see” where things are going in the relationship. The latter can create a situation of mutual dependancy, but no progression within the relationship. Years will pass and the couple is still in the same place they were when they moved in together. Best case scenario? Move in together after the engagement and wedding plans are brewing. Get some time in living together before you make any deposits on wedding-related items. Know what you’re signing up for just in case you need to graciously pull out.
On the flip, many couples dive right into marriage and two years later are signing divorce papers. Had they given themselves a chance to see if they could live together prior to marriage, they could have saved a lot of time, money, and hurt feelings. Now shacking does NOT guarantee a perfect relationship or a perfect marriage because the unexpected happens – but for a couple with a solid foundation and a clear understanding of their committment, shacking up could be one step that leads in the direction of longevity in love.
After having many conversations about black male/female relationships, all I could do with these videos was post them and wait for feedback:
My single, successful sisters, is this us? Is this what we really expect from our men?
Brothers, are these your real fears about dealing with successful, black women?
Are these your expectations?
Let’s check ourselves people.
We recently learned that former American Idol winner, Fantasia Barrino, attempted to take her own life. This news came in connection with a relationship Barrino is having with Antwaun Cook, a married man. Since this relationship has been made public, Barrino has been called every name in the book from a home-wrecker to a whore. What Fantasia chooses to do and who she chooses to do it with is her business so I will not speak on that. I don’t know her or Cook personally and can only speculate. One thing I did find interesting was that her “relationship-with-a-married-man” situation is quite similar to another stellar musical artist’s recent situation. Alicia Keys was also involved in a relationship with a married man, Kasseem “Swizz Beatz” Dean.
In both situations, it is reported that the marriages were estranged.However, Fantasia appears to be receiving the brunt of media’s back talk. Keys was not looked down upon in the same manner Barrino is. Why is this? Well, there isn’t one answer to this. And again, I can only speculate. Could it be the two women’s backgrounds? Keys comes from a strong, single-parent family, she’s intelligent, talented and highly revered on an international scale. Barrino dropped out of high school, became a teen parent, made a name for herself on a reality television show, and plays out the trials of her life on her television show Fantasia For Real. I would have to argue that this is a major factor in the way the two stories are being portrayed in the media. I believe that people have developed ideas of these two women based on their backgrounds and it isn’t right.
Are they home-wreckers? According to the men in their lives, they are not. This is what should matter. Unfortunately, it is the beliefs of a few, the media, that influence the thoughts of many, the public. It is with poor taste that the members of the media tell these stories. Because of it, women like Barrino are looked down upon while others in her situation are not. In my opinion, the media should stick to reporting the NEWS and not the personal lives of others.
This morning I caught an episode of “Black Men Revealed” on TV One. The segment topic was cheating. Representing black men were an old cheater, a young “pretty boy”, a “reformed” cheater, and a man who is in a committed relationship. They initially began to reminisce about times they were caught cheating and how their partners reacted. The pretty boy bragged about how he had sex with the mother of one of his “Starting 5” ON Mother’s Day. He called it her “present”. Then he was heralded “the man” when he confessed his starter was so angry with him he felt obliged to put her twin sister in the game.
The men also discussed ways to avoid confrontation when their woman suspects them of cheating. One man revealed, quite proudly, that whenever his girl suspected something he turned it right back on her and accused her of cheating. He said she became so obsessed with proving her innocence she forgot all about his dirt.
I could go an and on about the ridiculous inferences made during the show, but it ended with the revelation that most men on the panel had been cheated on at one time or another. It was then I realized these men are no different than all the women who have been cheated on and are jaded because of it. These harsh realities have left men and women furious with one another, questioning the merit of monogamy and naturally mistrusting of others.
Optimistically speaking, the producers of the show had good intentions when providing a forum to discuss issues related to black males. Unfortunately, the show serves as a vehicle to reinforce stereotypes about black men, such as them being pimps, cheaters, users and abusers. The show leaves much to be desired. Rarely if at all was there mention of these men or women being WRONG when they cheated. Rarely if at all did they mention how their families were affected. Not once did one man say to another “we gotta do better”. Not once did they mention the rising number of HIV/AIDS infections and other STD’s. The show glorified cheating and portrayed men on the hunt as a part of natural selection. ANIMALS hunt multiple prey. Doesn’t man possess the ability to reason and control instincts?
Is “Black Men Revealed” the problem or the solution?
Haaaaay girl signing off.
Faith is defined as, “a strong belief in God or the doctrine of a religion”. I am no expert on faith, or on marriage, but I know traditionally faith has played a significant role in marriage. Couples vowed to stay together until death do them part or fear the wrath of God. These marriages lasted decades. A lot has changed since then. Which begs the question:
As people lose faith in God, will they also lose faith in marriage?
So I was watching the BET awards over the weekend and I noticed an alarming trend. All these beautiful, strong, talented, gifted, and smart…single moms, unmarried women having children. My mother-in-law said that in this day and age, there is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy. How is it that we (and our young girls), respect and look up to the likes of Alicia Keys? If you saw the headline, Pop Star Sleeps With Newly Divorced Man And Gets Pregnant! What would your response be to that? Where are the women that liked getting swept off their feet and invest in marriage before they have babies!? Now, I’m not judging Alicia Keys’ actions; she is an adult and a human being, which makes her not perfect by any means, but this is just how I view the situation. And it sparks the question: Are Black Women more fearful of marriage and commitment than Black men?
UPDATE!! UPDATE!! UPDATE!!
Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats announced late Tuesday evening that they’re engaged, and that the Grammy-winning singer is expecting the couple’s first child together.
The news might have been a surprise to some: Keys is an R&B/pop superstar who has performed at President Barack Obama’s inauguration, while Swizz (real name: Kasseem Dean) is a Ruff Ryders alumnus and a veteran hip-hop producer who’s laced Jay-Z and DMX with some of their grittiest tracks.
But the musical couple have been dating for a couple of years, at least since 2008, when rumors of their union began to swirl — and recently whispers about the two ratcheted up when photos of Keys with what appeared to be a baby bump appeared online.
Here’s a timeline of the couple’s relationship:
» In 2008, music-industry insiders began buzzing about a pairing between Swizz — then married to R&B chanteuse Mashonda — and Keys, but the speculation turned public when gossip blog TheYBF.com published a post detailing their union, citing a source close to the singer.
» Later in 2008, Alicia Keys threw a surprise birthday party for the art-collecting producer (who by then was separated from his wife) at New York’s Guggenheim Museum. Although they wouldn’t appear in public together until the following year, the shindig solidified that the two were an item.
» In 2009, Swizz Beatz all but confirmed his relationship with Keys through a remix verse he added to Drake’s hit, “Best I Ever Had,” rapping, “She gave me a party at the Guggenheim … What’s next? The ring? The baby? She really loves me.”
» Throughout the year, Keys and Swizz (engaged in a messy divorce from Mashonda, including public spat on Twitter) were spotted together at a bevy of events, including his pre-Grammy Awards event, game three of World Series (where she performed alongside Jay-Z), and a swank Whitney Houston album preview event; the musical pair worked together to produce the Houston single “Million Dollar Bill.”
» This year, the duo have been frequently photographed together, both domestically and abroad; pics of Keys performing across the Atlantic caused a stir online as the singer’s loose-fitting clothing led many to believe she was hiding a baby bump.
» On Thursday, a spokesperson for the couple confirmed that they were engaged and are expecting their first child together. The baby will be her first and his third: The producer has two other children from previous relationships.
What do you think about Swizz Beats and Alicia Keys’ relationship? Let us know in the comments!