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Where The Boys Are

I’m a single woman living in one of the most desirable places in the country. Complaining about living in a city that is a magnet for the most beautiful people would just sound a tad ridiculous. But after two years in La La land, I’m still left asking, “Where are the boys at?”

Any one of my friends will tell you that I have more dates in a month than most people have in a year. But 50 first dates are tiring. It begins to feel more like a second job than a relaxing evening enjoying a member of the opposite sex. Chemistry is a must! I’m all for equal opportunity but if the first date leaves me yawning I won’t be subjecting myself to another. So what is a Mid-Western girl to do? I’ve devised a plan that many single ladies may benefit from.
  • Take inventory– Many of us have friends or associates that would make great mates in the long run. Keep and open-mind and go for the one that makes your heart skip a beat.
  • Eyes wide open– Watch who is watching you. Be observant. My grandmother used to say, “Smile, you never know who is looking.” Smiling will make you more approachable and guys will be less intimidated to say something to you.
  • Save the chit-chat– Talking on the phone is counter productive. Most people won’t interrupt someone who is on the phone.
  • Eye contact– You can’t make eye contact with your stunna shades on. Unless you are in direct sunlight go without the shades and make eyes at someone you caught looking.
  • Get a Coach- Sometimes we need a little push. Find a girlfriend that is outgoing and uninhibited to be your wing-woman. A good coach will always set you up for the win.
  • Don’t travel in packs– Rolling 10 deep is going to leave you all single. Three girls is plenty. Grab your besties and meet everyone else there. Most guys are not going to approach a school bus of girls.
  • Create opportunity– More often than not, guys are looking for the opportunity to present itself for them to talk to you. So make it easy for them. If you see a guy you like, casually do things in his general area. Glance at him long enough for him to notice but don’t stare. If he doesn’t say anything after you set it up for him, he’s not interested.
  • Be adventurous– Join an online dating site like Match.com or eHarmony. It just might be the best money you have ever spent.
  • Get Gumption! Forget the rules and go after the one you want. (I have to work on this one) Sitting back on the sidelines while Tanisha is sashaying over to the cute guy with the dimples will get you nowhere. Something as simple as “hello” can be just the opening he needs to seal the deal.
  • Get used to rejection– Dating is contact sport. You have to be willing to get pushed down and get back up again. If one date doesn’t pan out…HIS LOSS!!! Keep it moving! It’s a numbers game that you have to play in order to win.
  • Travel– Airports are a great place to practice. You have a captive audience, what could be better than that? Go sit at the bar and buy yourself a drink. You have a built-in opening line, “So where are you headed?” If all goes well, the next time you will be jet-setting together.
  • Stay out of the club– It’s not that you can’t find love in the club but the chances are slim. The environment is not conducive to conversing.
  • Find Man caves– Go to places you know men will be. Football starts back tonight so I hope you have gathered your girls are hitting the nearest sports bar. Try going to Best Buy on Tuesday (new music comes out every Tuesday.) You’ll be sure to find some good-looking music lovers there.
  • Stay ready– Don’t leave out of the house wearing old sweats with bleach stains. Have a default outfit in mind. Something you can grab quickly that is comfortable, casual but still fly. Same goes for hair and makeup. Slicking your hair back in an intentionally messy bun with your daytime makeup will be perfect for an impromptu meeting with Prince Charming.

 

Mikki Bey is a Los Angeles-based makeup artist who believes in the power of the universe to bring her all the desires of her heart. Fearless, determined and capable – she’s a bad mamajama! She can be reached at mikki@mikkibey.com.

 

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Married and Loving “Single Ladies”

Let’s face it. Living Single, Sex and the City, and now Single Ladies were all successful shows – why? Because watching the lives of single people as they navigate relationships is interesting and entertaining – especially for those of us off the market.

Single Ladies raised the bar by being an hour-long drama, with a tinge of comedy set in Hotlanta, GA. Though the writing and acting wasn’t award-winning, I anticipated its arrival every week, and am eagerly awaiting its return to see what the outcome will be in the lives of Val, Keshia, and…and…what’s the other girl’s name?

What the show lacked in strong content, it made up for in glamorous costuming, a strong supporting cast, great celebrity cameos and most importantly DRAMA. Who would miss the trials of a woman with klepto tendencies dating a wealthy, elusive jeweler? Or a successful, fashionista entrepreneur finding the man of her dreams, only to learn that he doesn’t want to get married?

However, I think the real reason I enjoy shows that showcase single women doing their thing is that they remind me of the fun I had as a single on my quest to find true love. I loved meeting new people, experiencing new emotions, and learning more about what I wanted and needed in a mate. Through the ups and downs of dating I became very clear in what would and would not work for me in a long-term relationship. I’m reminded of the dates I had with the man that would become my husband, some of the crazy and exciting things we did and the experience of falling in love. Even more, watching the trials and tribulations of finding love in a show like Single Ladies keeps at the forefront the one thing we continue to do that helps maintain the spark in our marriage: making date night a priority.

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Confessions: 7 Reasons Why Women Cheat

You’ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there’s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations — from bad kissing to sheer revenge. Read on for the truth about why women have given in to temptation.

Reason #1: There’s no passion
“I had been with John for about three years — he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion. Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject. I took a trip to Australia for work and while I was gone, I got together with a coworker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing. I broke up with John soon after I returned home and began dating the guy from the trip. Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: after dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married and we’re incredibly happy together.”
– Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ

Reason #2: To delay a breakup
“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape. When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one! By that time I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it. I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extracurricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”
– Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY

Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder
“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived. The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us getting physical. After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult, but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too. I visited Henry a few times and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably done out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me. I eventually stopped communicating with Henry. I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years after my program ended.”
– Tamara, 33, Portland, OR

Reason #4: To avoid being left out in the cold
“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing. After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric. I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave. Dave and I didn’t make it on round two, and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me. I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.”
– Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL

Reason #5: To make a break from a bad relationship
“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was. For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him. One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off. He was the complete opposite of Ethan — kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act. I kissed Will the night before he left and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.”
– Allison, 30, New York, NY

Reason #6: To find that missing piece
“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won. About eight months into our relationship, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete ‘beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him. We met him out that night and spent time alone together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn! Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
– Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL

Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine
“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was seeing other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it. One night, I got a call from a girl he had been secretly dating, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well. I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and spent time with the most attractive guy; I felt like it was the least he deserved! I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
– Ashante, 25, College Park, GA

Source:  Chelsea Kaplan via Yahoo

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Confessions of a Modern Woman’s Video Vixen Nightmare

Q: In what world is my competition a video girl?

A: In Los Angeles, that’s where.


I hold a degree in Journalism that I earned on TWO full-academic scholarships, I run a successful business, own my car, live within four ways with no co-habitants of any kind, volunteer in my community and YET, I am still reduced to being paired against over-inflated tits and a silicone-produced ass for the attention of a male suitor.

I’m not making this up people! This is really my life. A guy who I have loosely known for a few years recently hit me up. After a few witty exchanges over Twitter, he asked for my number. Inside I was secretly jumping up and down because I had a crush on this lad long ago. He is one of the few guys I have met that I actually wouldn’t change anything about him (except his teeth! That’s major for me. He’s creative, smart, creative, conscious, creative, God-fearing, creative and he loves his momma! Did I mention he’s creative? His art speaks to me. I see a different perspective when I look at what he created. There is nothing more sexy to me than a man that can see simplicity, seemingly nothingness and make it beautiful.  I digress.

After a little “research” I find that he is in a very public “relationship” with a video vixen. WHY IN THE HELL WAS HE ASKING FOR MY NUMBER????  Totally confused. Naturally, I had to look his chick up. Ok she’s bad. I mean like really bad. I tried to find something physically wrong with her for about 15 mins – FAIL. Her face is gorgeous and I don’t just throw that word around. Her body is obviously RIDICULOUS since that’s her chief asset. Now I’m pissed! I felt like I was on candid camera. Was this some kind of a joke? As if I don’t already have my list of insecurities now I am measuring myself against this fantasy of a woman. Problem is, if you live in Michigan that girl is just a fantasy but when you live in LA, that chick is as real as the air you are breathing.

*BACK STORY: I met him through my summer jumpoff (this young fellow that I was using for an ego boost and occasional *clears throat*). My young boo introduced me to this guy for networking purposes since we both work in the industry. We all hung out from time to time that summer but that was it. P.S. I DID NOT SLEEP with the young boy!

This is precisely the type of bs that makes me want to pack up my crap and move to Iowa where “good girls” get wifed by “good guys” THE END! Ok. That’s extreme but, hell, so is this!

A few days after he asked for my number we started chatting again. This time he was quick to get to the point. The invite to watch a movie at his house was not in the least bit tempting especially since it was already past the 11 o’clock hour! Is he crazy? Clearly. I felt a bit of fire rise in my chest. I knew I may be a tad hormonal so I had a ‘woosah’ moment before writing a scathing yet composed response to his follywagness. I told him that grown people don’t watch movies at 11:45 PM! And if he wanted to see me he would need to pick up the phone and ask me out properly but I would not be holding my breath. At that point I was like he must think because me and the young boy had a little fling of sorts that he could be next! Are you kidding me? Furthermore, you want me to be your jumpoff while you wife the video chick? I THINK NOT! Kick Rocks.

Not caring if I ever heard from him again, I wrote a serious of subliminal tweets. He eventually sent a response that was as charming as ever (not surprising since that’s one of the reasons I like him). To which I respond with SILENCE.

Boo I’m over you! What part of the game is this? I am 27 months from being 30 years old. There is no way in hell I would reduce myself to allow this man to use me and discard me all the while courting King magazine’s feature flavor of the month.

For arguments sake, I can’t say that I know with certainty that the young lady in first position is not educated or that she doesn’t have more than a beautiful face and bangin body. But I highly doubt it. If she is anything like her tweets… *crickets*. Even if she had a PH.D does the fact that all her goodies are on display for the world to see not mean anything to men these days? They don’t give a rat’s ass. In the age of Kim K., men are probably desensitized to the much less demure modern woman. Cold game.

 

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How To Get Your “Boo” To Commit

Myth: (Tina) If I do everything he wants he’ll give me what I want…a relationship.

Truth: (Maurice) She does everything I like but: “Hello, Brenda….”

What is the disconnect? Too often women mistake being “the perfect woman” with being “his woman.” We tend to feel like we have poured everything into creating the facade of being seemingly perfect for the men in our lives only to be met with resistance on sealing the deal.

Whether the goal is to get the ring or just to move up from “boo” status, the same truths apply. There is something to be said for the women that continue on building their lives with vigor the way the had before Prince LeRoy showed up. Caught up in the rapture of a budding love can make you want to slowly devote more time to him and less energy into what you were doing. Men like women that have their own! Now anyone that knows me knows I believe in a man being a man and providing for his wife but ladies, key word is WIFE! The more you are able to do for yourself the less dependent you will be on the man thus allowing the relationship to naturally progress without anyone feeling used or developing resentment. Get your own! Have your own! Best case scenario is that when that brotha comes along and sees what you have done without him he’ll view you as an asset and not a liability.

The sense of entitlement has to stop. Those chicks will remain single. To expect that a man will take care of you, buy you nice things all in exchange for you just “being you” is unrealistic. Should your man want to do nice things for you and lighten your load YES! But are you expecting someone to swoop in and save you from the life you have created? Take a hard look at what you are tangibly bringing to the table. The reality is that in this day and age men have a ton of options. There is no recession of women who want to be wives but there is a recession on men that want to marry them. To separate yourself from the pack, get busy courting yourself. Make sure that you have done everything in your power to become who you want to be before that man puts a ring on it. We are all works in progress but diligently work at your own bringing your dreams into reality.

Tips for getting a man to commit:

  • DO YOU! Most men can appreciate a woman who is unapologetic for carving her way in life. Let your natural radiance be the attraction. Your light should be so bright, it blinds him.
  • Ms. Independent is STILL Single– There is a fine line we as women must tow. Don’t be so independent that you forget who is the man. Make him feel wanted and needed in ways that he will respond to. Ask him to open pickle jars or to kill a spider. Small gestures, but trust me, he’ll be happy to puff out his chest and save the day.
  • Have a life! Go out with your girls. Take a trip solo or just go to the movies on a Saturday night. Don’t assume that every weekend is reserved for Boo-lovin. Chances are after a few weekends of you having a “life” he will be more than anxious to give you the attention you need.
  • Show, don’t tell– Men aren’t women. We are the ones that want to be told how much we are loved. Men need action! Do something for him that is solely for his benefit. Only you know what that is. Be creative.
  • NEWSFLASH!!!!! You aren’t the first woman to do whatever it is you are doing for him! I know, I know this is a shocker. We all want to think that they have never had a woman like us. Well the care packages and cards you sent are not the only ones he’s ever gotten. Women cook and clean for them dating back to their mothers! The ones that get wifed give something to that man that he can’t get ANYWHERE ELSE. Find out what your man values – that’s the key to this Chinese arithmetic.
  • Don’t worry, be happy! We want men to tell us they will always be with us and never leave, then sign it in blood! The reality is that no one can make that promise not even us. Everyday that is given is another day that you will both get to decide to be together or not. The idea is that each day is better than the last so that both of you keep deciding to be in it for years to come.
  • Don’t lose yourself. Do not allow yourself to become so consumed with the idea of marriage and family that you begin to unconsciously lower your standards to meet your timeline. Let it be ORGANIC! Like Whole Foods. If not, don’t force it. Take the path of least resistance.
  • Love thyself. Love starts with you. Love everything about you. Love your flaws and all. Truly fall in love with who you are and who you are becoming. Don’t wait for a man to show up to be the person you can love. You already have someone that needs some good lovin!
  • Be fluid. “If it don’t fit, you must acquit!” The famous words of the late Johnnie Cochran are certainly applicable. Let it be what it is. If you have to ask what is, it probably isn’t anything. Release the idea and move on.
  • Stay prayed up! Chile you are going to have to spend some time in that prayer closet to close this deal! This is not a easy merger. Ask for God’s will to be done and really mean it. Praying for what you want is great but listening to what He wants for you is even better.

Mikki Bey is a Los Angeles-based makeup artist who believes in the power of the Universe to bring her all the desires of her heart. Fearless, determined and capable – she’s a bad mamajama!

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Monogamy, a No Go?

Where does the hunger and yearning for monogamy come from? We have this social construction of monogamy that has been developing throughout the years thanks to movies, music, and books. That is, we as a society have developed an understanding of what is/isn’t and what should/shouldn’t be in relationships.

Why do we want monogamy? Why do we want to be committed to just one person? When we talk about marriage we’re talking about being with one person for the rest of your life. God forbid you marry in your twenties – with the average life expectancy being 78, that’s being committed to one person for 50 years! I have a hard enough time deciding on what cell phone I should purchase with a new two-year contract. During those two years I’ve committed to one phone, that is until I find one that’s better or seems better and eventually change before those two years are up. Maybe in life we settle because choosing a mate isn’t as easy as choosing a cell phone or two years, or maybe we just get tired of changing.

When we were little we were always taught to learn to share. Why can’t we learn to share in relationships? Have we learned to share so much that in a relationship with a significant other we don’t want to share?

I don’t have the answers nor do I have a particular stance on any of these questions. If you’re married, engaged, dating, single or widowed ask yourself: can you find the joy you have with your significant other with them and another?

I’m 19, I’m trying to find myself and my understanding in this dating world by asking this questions that challenge the norm. I want people to read this and think “Why did I get married? Why am I in this relationship? Why do I want a relationship?” Be honest with yourself and be honest in your comments. After all, Black Is is a comfortable place to learn, teach, and grow.

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Does Romance Still Exist?

This past week I surprised my husband with a trip out of town to see Lalah Hathaway in Oakland, CA. I kept the entire trip a secret – and even arranged it with his boss to pick him up for “lunch” when in actuality, we were headed to the airport. I was shocked at how many people were surprised I went to such lengths for my husband. I thought to myself, why not? He works hard, takes care of his family, and always puts us first. Why not do something out of the ordinary and give the man a break?

The idea of romance has us socially conditioned to believe that its one-sided, and happens when a man bestows it on a woman. From the first date it is the expectation that the man will pay for almost everything throughout the entirety of the courtship. In marriage, it is assumed that the man will also be the breadwinner for the family. This practice has evolved into a new trend of thinking in the new millennium man and affects new millennium dating. Dating is sometimes misconstrued as “payment” for something else – so if a man takes you out and buys you a nice dinner, he is going to expect something at the end.

While thinking about this idea, I caught one of my favorite episodes of The Boondocks, entitled “Guess Ho’s Coming To Dinner” – and I literally laughed out loud as Riley hit the nail on the head when discussing Granddad dating an actual “ho”:

How do relationships evolve from this scenario? Are women still wooed and courted? What are men expecting at the end of a date and further, how many women are fulfilling these expectations? If you don’t, what happens next?

Folks tell me, does romance still exist?

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Ladies, Let’s Talk

When I read Fellas, Lets Talk, I was interested in delving more into how women view relationships.  Of course as a man I will never understand everything about women.  Their experiences are completely unique just like the physiology that separates the sexes.
I believe all women should have standards. But lets talk about a few of the usual requirements and the holes in them, as well as some stated in the above mentioned article.

Who’s Paying?
It’s a pretty universal rule that the man pays for the dates because the man is “supposed to be the provider”.  The traditional idea is the man provides and protects.  The more I pay for dates, the more it shows that I’m able to provide; but, it can also suggest that I want control.  Here’s something many women don’t realize and a lot of men rarely admit:  Once a man spends a certain amount of money on a date, the more he feels entitled to have sex with you.  Not all men, but a LOT.  Women may think most men take on the responsibility to pay for a date like it’s all good, but paying for the date also sets the tone for who has control in the relationship.  Most women like for men to have control, but a lot of control translates into “I get what I want.”  So in that respect, I suggest women consider paying for dates themselves if they care about avoiding that subtle message.  I usually assume that I’m going to pay for every date and prepare for that, but if I never see her offering to pay, I begin to ask, how selfish is she?  There’s a fine line on this expectation.  If a guest comes into my house I will be hospitable, but they can’t assume they can have dinner and sleepover.  Similarly, I understand if she “anticipates” for me to pay, but she shouldn’t come demanding it and unprepared.   If she offers to pay most likely I’ll refuse, or at least say “OK you just pay the tip” or whatever the most minimal cost.  As one guy said “You should be willing to say no that’s not in the budget.”  I agree.  But before it gets to that point, there should be consideration of the person’s pockets.  That consideration shows her values in a relationship.  Even if I were rich, this issue would still matter to me.  In fact it would matter more.  I need to be sure that the woman I’m dating cares about me, not just my money.  I know plenty of women who go on multiple dates and let the men pamper them, knowing they don’t like them.  Their usual line is “A woman should just be taken out on a date and spoiled sometimes.”  I sat in on a room full of women who talked about times they had men not only pay their way, but also their girlfriends!  Everyone has their own protocol.  But she expects 6 months of me paying for every date?  I don’t quite agree.

Company You Keep
In the last article, I read that if a man invites another woman over to his girlfriend’s place, then that female “friend” that arrives must have some kind of ulterior motive to make moves on the guy.  Now, if the guy doesn’t see the ulterior motive, then I don’t think he should be held accountable for that.  If he DOES know that the woman he’s inviting doesn’t have good intentions, then he’s a dummy to invite her.  That also goes for him inviting a male friend he knows has bad intentions.  Anyone trying to compete for a person’s date should never be invited knowingly.  I don’t see how this even needs to be on a list of guidelines.  If any guy knowingly brings competition around, then he doesn’t care about you, or he’s dumb.  Any guy that doesn’t know this doesn’t need advice.  They need to be single.

Disappearing Acts
This is one of the most typical things I see women trying to “warn” about when there shouldn’t be much discussion.  The guy inexplicably disappears, doesn’t call after a date, etc, and the girl is racking her brain trying to figure out why.  Unless a family member or friend passed away, or he was dealing with some deep emotional matter, no answer you ever get is going please you.  If he was busy, why didn’t he text?  Was he too busy for 5 minutes?  If he disappears,  I highly suggest you move on and don’t look back.  No man who is a “provider” does that.  Some men use this as a strategy.  They pay close attention to a girl to make them feel special,  then disappear to break the woman’s confidence.  The woman latches on, and does whatever he wants so he doesn’t disappear again.  And each time he does this they hate it, but they take him back.  Personally, I think it’s abusive.  No woman should even need to explain this to a guy.  This isn’t a guideline someone should be reintroduced to.  If they don’t get it in the beginning, I doubt they ever will.

I apologize to AFortenberry for talking about her age.  The article didn’t seem clear that it was meant for young couples, or meant for a young age group.  Once I read it and got to the end, I wished I had known her age up front because I would have read the article differently.  It doesn’t mean that at 19 you have no understanding of dating or standards, but I’ve seen my standards and requirements change from just a year ago and I’m 28.  No young or grown man should have to be reminded that you treat a woman with respect, to not yell or call her names, or to not bring a “jumpoff” to the house of a girl you’re dating.  That’s basic, and if he fails to do that he should be dropped.  Those aren’t tips, that’s basic ethical behavior.

If the writer and her friends found that those “guidelines” were the result of what many women feel they need to advise men, I would advise them to pay closer attention to what men they experienced to produce those results.  It may be hard to find good men, but men that need to be told these things need more than tips and advice.  They need rehabilitation.