Dedicated to the Black Experience
Listen in as KC and the family discuss the challenges of maintaining platonic friendships after marriage. Guests include Chris Lehman, Toria Williams, Dino Black, John C. Byrd III of Sickly Cat Magazine, Obinna Obijiaku, Craig Stewart, John and Triawna Wood, and Ivy Lindsey. This episode also includes a special guest segment with The Player Hater. Enjoy!
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You’ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there’s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations — from bad kissing to sheer revenge. Read on for the truth about why women have given in to temptation.
Reason #1: There’s no passion
“I had been with John for about three years — he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion. Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject. I took a trip to Australia for work and while I was gone, I got together with a coworker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing. I broke up with John soon after I returned home and began dating the guy from the trip. Even though I’m not super-proud of my actions, things ended up for the best: after dating for a few years, the guy from the trip and I got married and we’re incredibly happy together.”
– Giselle, 30, Montvale, NJ
Reason #2: To delay a breakup
“Right before I was going to break up with my ex, Sean, he found out that he had to put his beloved dog to sleep. He was so broken up about it that I didn’t have the heart to end things, so I waited a month or so until he was in better shape. When things seemed to be better and I was ready, he lost his job, so I felt like I was back to square one! By that time I had met someone else that I really wanted to start seeing, so I went ahead and did it. I eventually ended things, never telling Sean about my extracurricular dating. I think I rationalized that I was trying to spare his feelings.”
– Stacy, 30, Lexington, KY
Reason #3: Because absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder
“My boyfriend Greg and I decided to do the long-distance thing after I was accepted to a graduate program 200 miles from where we lived. The first few months were fine, but I soon found myself becoming extremely attracted to my lab partner, Henry. What began as innocent flirting eventually wound up with us getting physical. After the program was over, I returned home to Greg. Being with him was really difficult, but I didn’t break up with him initially because I was still attracted to him, too. I visited Henry a few times and realized that he was really more of a fling, probably done out of boredom, and that Greg was the one for me. I eventually stopped communicating with Henry. I never told Greg about what happened, which occasionally makes me feel guilty, but I chalk my cheating up to being young and silly. He and I are still together, four years after my program ended.”
– Tamara, 33, Portland, OR
Reason #4: To avoid being left out in the cold
“I began dating Eric shortly after I had been dumped by Dave, my boyfriend of two years. I was devastated and Eric was definitely a rebound thing. After Eric and I had dated for five months, Dave came back and wanted to give things another shot. I still really missed him, so I began seeing him, but never ended things with Eric. I think I sort of kept Eric around for insurance purposes, just in case things didn’t end up well with Dave. Dave and I didn’t make it on round two, and after Eric discovered through mutual friends that I had been seeing him again, he ended things with me. I definitely learned my lesson about dating two guys at the same time, not to mention trying to rekindle a relationship that’s just plain over.”
– Jen, 28, Oak Park, IL
Reason #5: To make a break from a bad relationship
“When I was younger, I dated a guy named Ethan who was really critical of me. He constantly made little snide comments about my weight, how stupid I was and how clumsy I was. For whatever odd reason, I was into him, despite the fact that all of my friends and family hated him. One weekend when he was away, I met Will at a party and we completely hit it off. He was the complete opposite of Ethan — kind, sweet and generous, yet completely cool and fun, too. We hung out all weekend and it was like a light bulb went off in my head: This is how mature, relationship-worthy guys act. I kissed Will the night before he left and broke up with Ethan soon after. Will and I dated for three years and now we’re married.”
– Allison, 30, New York, NY
Reason #6: To find that missing piece
“I’m from Florida, so I adore going to the beach and boating, but my former boyfriend, Chris, a total city boy, hated it. We always argued about where we’d take trips, and he always won. About eight months into our relationship, I took a trip to Key West with my friends and we chartered a boat for the day. The captain of the boat was this totally hot, complete ‘beach guy for life’ type, and I spent the whole day flirting with him. We met him out that night and spent time alone together. I never told Chris about it after I got home and I never felt guilty; I think part of me felt like that’s what Chris got for being so stubborn! Chris and I didn’t make it, and after we broke up, I made sure any future boyfriends loved the beach!”
– Lizzie, 32, Chicago, IL
Reason #7: To give him a taste of his own medicine
“My last boyfriend was a total player before we got together. I thought I could change him but I was wrong. I always heard rumors that he was seeing other girls while we were dating, but he always denied it. One night, I got a call from a girl he had been secretly dating, and she detailed their three-month-long relationship to me and told me about another girl she had discovered he was seeing as well. I was so mad that I went out with my friends that night, dressed to kill, and spent time with the most attractive guy; I felt like it was the least he deserved! I loved seeing the look on his face when I told him about what I did and that I knew about the other girls. And then I dumped him!”
– Ashante, 25, College Park, GA
Source: Chelsea Kaplan via Yahoo
I have not seen the show, SisterWives but many of you are amazed by the polygamist household. I starting think to myself, “how many of us are sharing a man, know about it, and don’t care?” My suspicion is that in places like Los Angeles and Atlanta where the ration of women to men is grossly disproportionate “SisterWives” are prevalent.
What would make a woman knowingly share a man? Low self-esteem is a good guess. Maybe the excitement of knowing she is sneaking around with someone else’s man? Finances are probably a major factor. If both women know about each other and embrace the fact that they are sharing a man that is truly, a sad case. On some level I have to think it may have something to do with the lack of viable options particularly when you look at the African-American community.
Why are we all so memorized by the love of Will and Jada? How many of us actually believe that we too can have that? I do. The idea that a black man can love a black woman and vice versa is not the anomaly that it may seem to be. Unfortunately, there are many factors that have made that much more difficult for our community than other races but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.
The media has been running stories about how the “educated” black woman is single and doomed to die an old maid because she has surpassed her male counter part in every area that is socially relevant. I’m not buying it. Yes, stats are stats. Yet, this is such a thing as projection. I am not going to allow the media to tell me that I am not going to have the life that 8 of 10 White women, 7 of 10 Hispanic and 6 of 10 Asian women have. No matter what the stats say, becoming a “SisterWife” is not up for discussion.
We recently learned that former American Idol winner, Fantasia Barrino, attempted to take her own life. This news came in connection with a relationship Barrino is having with Antwaun Cook, a married man. Since this relationship has been made public, Barrino has been called every name in the book from a home-wrecker to a whore. What Fantasia chooses to do and who she chooses to do it with is her business so I will not speak on that. I don’t know her or Cook personally and can only speculate. One thing I did find interesting was that her “relationship-with-a-married-man” situation is quite similar to another stellar musical artist’s recent situation. Alicia Keys was also involved in a relationship with a married man, Kasseem “Swizz Beatz” Dean.
In both situations, it is reported that the marriages were estranged.However, Fantasia appears to be receiving the brunt of media’s back talk. Keys was not looked down upon in the same manner Barrino is. Why is this? Well, there isn’t one answer to this. And again, I can only speculate. Could it be the two women’s backgrounds? Keys comes from a strong, single-parent family, she’s intelligent, talented and highly revered on an international scale. Barrino dropped out of high school, became a teen parent, made a name for herself on a reality television show, and plays out the trials of her life on her television show Fantasia For Real. I would have to argue that this is a major factor in the way the two stories are being portrayed in the media. I believe that people have developed ideas of these two women based on their backgrounds and it isn’t right.
Are they home-wreckers? According to the men in their lives, they are not. This is what should matter. Unfortunately, it is the beliefs of a few, the media, that influence the thoughts of many, the public. It is with poor taste that the members of the media tell these stories. Because of it, women like Barrino are looked down upon while others in her situation are not. In my opinion, the media should stick to reporting the NEWS and not the personal lives of others.
I know some folks are chomping at the bit for the rest of the love lessons I learned from Boomerang. The wait is over!
11) A woman that truly loves you will not discuss your sex with other women.
My mother was the first to share this love rule with me and the way it plays out in the film is exactly why she teaches against it. The first clue we get that Jacqueline (Robin Givens) has no true intention of taking Marcus (Eddie Murphy) seriously is when she tells Angela (Halle Berry) about their tryst in New Orleans. As expected, Angela’s already developing curiosity about Marcus is piqued and she sets the wheels in motion. When a woman really loves a man she knows that sharing the intimate details about their sex life with other women will only make those women curious. It serves no purpose and it’s none of their business.
12) Sex in the workplace should be avoided. Period.
It’s happened to all of us. You come to work one day and are introduced to your sexy and single new co-worker. No matter how delicious they are, starting an intimate relationship with them is the worst possible thing that could occur. Unless the two of you have concluded that you are soul mates and a long-term commitment is on the horizon, a relationship with a colleague can be a setup for disaster at work. If it works out then you have to try to keep the whole staff out of your business. If it doesn’t, now you have to be cool with this person without anger/disgust/lingering feelings getting in the way of work, otherwise your job could be on the line. Case in point: Marcus’ sabbatical after realizing Jacqueline doesn’t want more than casual sex at her convenience with him.
13) Heartbreak is all-consuming. It takes work to get over it.
Like Marcus, many of us want to “Sit at home, stare at the wall, and listen to Sade” after we’ve had our hearts broken. It’s easy to wallow in sorrow for yourself after you’ve been hurt. It’s worth the work, however, of getting up, getting back out there and trying again in order to move past the last relationship. Besides, what’s the point of dwelling on someone who isn’t thinking about you? It won’t bring them back.
14) Men are hunters; women are prey. Let the man chase…
My grandmother always says, “When a man wants you, he’ll tell you and you’ll have something. If you’re doing all the wanting, you have nothing.” Angela becomes emotionally vulnerable in her relationship with Marcus the moment she is readily available to him at all times. Equipped with the knowledge of his prior player status, she should have known better than to move in with him. Marcus gives her hints of not being on the same page by not acknowledging that they are living together when Jacqueline calls. This also leads to his cheating on her. I’m not justifying his actions, but the moment a woman gets too comfortable in her position with a man (especially while dating), is the moment he gets bored and is back on the hunt.
15) Being too forward is a definite turn-off.
No better example of this in the film then through the character, Strange (played by Grace Jones). Though her forthright nature was appealing to some, like Nasty Nelson (played by Geoffrey Holder), her gratuitous use of the word “pussy” got her nowhere with Marcus.
16) Men, you can never justify cheating to women.
No matter what the circumstances are, cheating hurts and can never be justified to the party that gets hurt. Women will never accept the excuse of “it’s a man thing” and it works only to cause us to mistrust the next man. And when a woman is good to you, she’ll never understand why you strayed. In spite of having a good woman at home, and despite knowing Jacqueline wasn’t looking for anything other than casual sex, Marcus allowed himself to backtrack with her once he got his swag back. The temptation to bed Jacqueline again, this time without an emotional connection was great revenge for Marcus – but it meant losing a lover and friend in Angela.
17) Never mention something your ex, mistress, etc. said in the midst of an argument with your current partner.
If you are already in the midst of a disagreement, this just fuels the fire. It’s beyond disrespectful and it will get you slapped. For Angela, Marcus’ mentioning Jacqueline’s name while they’re arguing is insulting and embarrassing. What Marcus fails to realize before he cheats is that these two women work together. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that first interaction between them will be?
18) Ladies, though some of us dislike saying it, men need to feel needed.
A lot of my single sister friends never want to say they need a man. If they say that and never find one, that means they will always be incomplete. I totally understand their perspective – but what I know after being in a long-term relationship is that men have to feel needed in order to stick around for the long-term. After losing Angela and getting back into Jacqueline’s bed, Marcus finds himself bored once again. Why? Because he’s been here before, been through this before, and knows it’s going nowhere. What’s the point in sexually exhausting himself with a woman who doesn’t want or need him? Jacqueline makes that clear from the onset, and once the novelty of sex with her has worn off, Marcus realizes what he misses: being truly desired and loved.
19) Long-term love requires the couple to be on the same page – and sexual compatibility is a must.
I truly believe there is somebody for everybody and this is best displayed by Gerard’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, played by John Witherspoon and Bebe Drake. Even though Gerard is embarrassed by them, they aren’t at all embarrassed by each other. Their sexual chemistry is so hot and heavy they have to sneak away from the dinner table for a little taste, much to the chagrin of Gerard. And when Mr. Jackson goes into his tirade of “Bang, bang, bang!” all his wife can say is, “Ooh Daddy please!”. They compliment one another perfectly.
20) Life is a journey not meant to be taken alone.
When we find ourselves lonely, we look for something to mask that and we hide behind it. So often my single friends (both male and female) get heavily involved in their work and careers to stave off the sense of loneliness they feel from not having a companion. In the final scene of the film, we see Angela has acquired this ability: she is no longer the sweet, smiling woman we first meet, but a cold, stiff woman who Marcus calls out for “hiding behind her work”. However she sees it as “taking care of her business” – she doesn’t feel she can depend on anyone other than herself at this point, especially not a man. Despite her best effort, she gives in to him because she loves him and misses his companionship. For all the drama they experience, there is something between them worth holding on to. What I took from this scene when I first saw the film and that resonates with me now is what Marcus and Angela understand at the end: Life is that much sweeter when shared with someone else.
From 1992 until now, the film Boomerang maintains its relevance regarding male/female relationships. Though everyone will experience something different, many of these lessons can be applied to a myriad of situations. If you find yourself sharing similarities with Marcus, Angela, or Jacqueline, apply a lesson to your relationship and learn from their mistakes. Good luck in love!
This morning I caught an episode of “Black Men Revealed” on TV One. The segment topic was cheating. Representing black men were an old cheater, a young “pretty boy”, a “reformed” cheater, and a man who is in a committed relationship. They initially began to reminisce about times they were caught cheating and how their partners reacted. The pretty boy bragged about how he had sex with the mother of one of his “Starting 5” ON Mother’s Day. He called it her “present”. Then he was heralded “the man” when he confessed his starter was so angry with him he felt obliged to put her twin sister in the game.
The men also discussed ways to avoid confrontation when their woman suspects them of cheating. One man revealed, quite proudly, that whenever his girl suspected something he turned it right back on her and accused her of cheating. He said she became so obsessed with proving her innocence she forgot all about his dirt.
I could go an and on about the ridiculous inferences made during the show, but it ended with the revelation that most men on the panel had been cheated on at one time or another. It was then I realized these men are no different than all the women who have been cheated on and are jaded because of it. These harsh realities have left men and women furious with one another, questioning the merit of monogamy and naturally mistrusting of others.
Optimistically speaking, the producers of the show had good intentions when providing a forum to discuss issues related to black males. Unfortunately, the show serves as a vehicle to reinforce stereotypes about black men, such as them being pimps, cheaters, users and abusers. The show leaves much to be desired. Rarely if at all was there mention of these men or women being WRONG when they cheated. Rarely if at all did they mention how their families were affected. Not once did one man say to another “we gotta do better”. Not once did they mention the rising number of HIV/AIDS infections and other STD’s. The show glorified cheating and portrayed men on the hunt as a part of natural selection. ANIMALS hunt multiple prey. Doesn’t man possess the ability to reason and control instincts?
Is “Black Men Revealed” the problem or the solution?
Haaaaay girl signing off.
Bookmark this site immediately.
Sicklycat.com was brought to my attention by John Byrd and Dr. Wayne Byrd, two brothers I attended both junior high school and church with. The site offers plenty of good information, but what I love most are the podcasts they offer in the Lifestyle section.
Chris and I listened to “Top Ten Things Men Say is not Cheating” , and it sparked laughs and good convo. Check it out, chime in, and move on to Part II.
Furthermore, let us know whether you agree or disagree with the men and women of Sickly Cat? What qualifies as cheating? What doesn’t?