Ladies, Let’s Talk

Featured, In My Opinion

When I read Fellas, Lets Talk, I was interested in delving more into how women view relationships.  Of course as a man I will never understand everything about women.  Their experiences are completely unique just like the physiology that separates the sexes.
I believe all women should have standards. But lets talk about a few of the usual requirements and the holes in them, as well as some stated in the above mentioned article.

Who’s Paying?
It’s a pretty universal rule that the man pays for the dates because the man is “supposed to be the provider”.  The traditional idea is the man provides and protects.  The more I pay for dates, the more it shows that I’m able to provide; but, it can also suggest that I want control.  Here’s something many women don’t realize and a lot of men rarely admit:  Once a man spends a certain amount of money on a date, the more he feels entitled to have sex with you.  Not all men, but a LOT.  Women may think most men take on the responsibility to pay for a date like it’s all good, but paying for the date also sets the tone for who has control in the relationship.  Most women like for men to have control, but a lot of control translates into “I get what I want.”  So in that respect, I suggest women consider paying for dates themselves if they care about avoiding that subtle message.  I usually assume that I’m going to pay for every date and prepare for that, but if I never see her offering to pay, I begin to ask, how selfish is she?  There’s a fine line on this expectation.  If a guest comes into my house I will be hospitable, but they can’t assume they can have dinner and sleepover.  Similarly, I understand if she “anticipates” for me to pay, but she shouldn’t come demanding it and unprepared.   If she offers to pay most likely I’ll refuse, or at least say “OK you just pay the tip” or whatever the most minimal cost.  As one guy said “You should be willing to say no that’s not in the budget.”  I agree.  But before it gets to that point, there should be consideration of the person’s pockets.  That consideration shows her values in a relationship.  Even if I were rich, this issue would still matter to me.  In fact it would matter more.  I need to be sure that the woman I’m dating cares about me, not just my money.  I know plenty of women who go on multiple dates and let the men pamper them, knowing they don’t like them.  Their usual line is “A woman should just be taken out on a date and spoiled sometimes.”  I sat in on a room full of women who talked about times they had men not only pay their way, but also their girlfriends!  Everyone has their own protocol.  But she expects 6 months of me paying for every date?  I don’t quite agree.

Company You Keep
In the last article, I read that if a man invites another woman over to his girlfriend’s place, then that female “friend” that arrives must have some kind of ulterior motive to make moves on the guy.  Now, if the guy doesn’t see the ulterior motive, then I don’t think he should be held accountable for that.  If he DOES know that the woman he’s inviting doesn’t have good intentions, then he’s a dummy to invite her.  That also goes for him inviting a male friend he knows has bad intentions.  Anyone trying to compete for a person’s date should never be invited knowingly.  I don’t see how this even needs to be on a list of guidelines.  If any guy knowingly brings competition around, then he doesn’t care about you, or he’s dumb.  Any guy that doesn’t know this doesn’t need advice.  They need to be single.

Disappearing Acts
This is one of the most typical things I see women trying to “warn” about when there shouldn’t be much discussion.  The guy inexplicably disappears, doesn’t call after a date, etc, and the girl is racking her brain trying to figure out why.  Unless a family member or friend passed away, or he was dealing with some deep emotional matter, no answer you ever get is going please you.  If he was busy, why didn’t he text?  Was he too busy for 5 minutes?  If he disappears,  I highly suggest you move on and don’t look back.  No man who is a “provider” does that.  Some men use this as a strategy.  They pay close attention to a girl to make them feel special,  then disappear to break the woman’s confidence.  The woman latches on, and does whatever he wants so he doesn’t disappear again.  And each time he does this they hate it, but they take him back.  Personally, I think it’s abusive.  No woman should even need to explain this to a guy.  This isn’t a guideline someone should be reintroduced to.  If they don’t get it in the beginning, I doubt they ever will.

I apologize to AFortenberry for talking about her age.  The article didn’t seem clear that it was meant for young couples, or meant for a young age group.  Once I read it and got to the end, I wished I had known her age up front because I would have read the article differently.  It doesn’t mean that at 19 you have no understanding of dating or standards, but I’ve seen my standards and requirements change from just a year ago and I’m 28.  No young or grown man should have to be reminded that you treat a woman with respect, to not yell or call her names, or to not bring a “jumpoff” to the house of a girl you’re dating.  That’s basic, and if he fails to do that he should be dropped.  Those aren’t tips, that’s basic ethical behavior.

If the writer and her friends found that those “guidelines” were the result of what many women feel they need to advise men, I would advise them to pay closer attention to what men they experienced to produce those results.  It may be hard to find good men, but men that need to be told these things need more than tips and advice.  They need rehabilitation.

One Comment on "Ladies, Let’s Talk"

  1. msnikkynicole Sep 1, 2010 · 1:36 pm

    Bravo! I love this piece! Once someone reveals to you who they are, believe it. (As I once heard Oprah say!) People waste so much time trying to be a therapist, advisor, counselor, and failing to realize that adults are going to do what they want to do, no matter what. There’s no amount of coercing that will change that.

    Especially in the beginning of a budding relationship, there is never a reason (that I can think of) to tell a person how they should or shouldn’t be treating you. If someone is being disrespectful, aloof, immature, careless or outright mean, please move on to the next one – that is clearly their nature to treat people that way. If they don’t have a clue by now, then is that really the person for you? I once heard someone say that the person we choose to be with says more about US than anything else.

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